Day 342. 180.5 pounds lost.
I pulled a picture from the camera today dated December 9th, 2016. It was a picture of me sitting in the kitchen making what looked like some kind of holiday plate, lord knows for something last year I probably did not attend. That chair had become a permanent fixture in my kitchen because I needed it so I could make it from my living room to the bathroom. I also used it to do my cooking because my legs weren’t strong enough to hold my body weight. Even to make plates or meals, I would need to sit down to do prep because it was so painful to stand for anything longer than a minute or two. The other picture was exactly one year later; taken this last Saturday. I was with friends getting ready to do a run for charity. It’s very emotional when I see older pictures like this because I’m starting not to recognize my old life. Everyone always says…. “Wow, Athena you must be so proud and happy and I bet you feel like a million bucks!” Yes……….. I do. But change is scary, and everything feels new. With that, there is uncertainty and some days I feel tired.
There are parts of this journey I haven’t talked about. One of them is the fact that there is this “old Athena” that is fading away into this new person and I am fighting to try and retain the only thing I ever knew; ………me! That chair that I needed in the kitchen is no longer there, and I often look at the place where it used to sit, and it looks empty. Sometimes it doesn’t feel good because the familiar is becoming unfamiliar. As I put old clothes into bags and I take them to charity, there is part of me that is fearful because there is a part of me in those bags. It is a VERY peculiar phenomenon. No matter how much I KNOW the photo on the right above is ME…. my brain just can’t seem to cope. I walk into stores and glance at mirrors, and I can’t find myself. When I catch my reflection in windows, I feel like I am looking at a stranger. I look at clothes that I know size wise should (in theory) fit me now, I can’t imagine squeezing into them. These are of course all things that I should be rejoicing over… but If I am honest, I find myself feeling unsettled by it all. It’s hard to know what image of myself to trust. Do I trust what my brain sees in the mirror, or how I see myself when I shut my eyes? Do I trust what I see in photographs? Because all of this is being filtered by my brain, and sometimes my brain says something completely different.
Almost everything I knew about myself has changed in the last year. I used to know where I could and couldn’t shop, my dress sense was mostly driven by what was available. At the time, it was a woman’s size 38. I knew what I liked to do and didn’t like to do with my free time… my choices of activities were based on things I almost certainly knew I would NOT be able to do. I got up around the same time, I had the same schedule day in and day out. I went to the same places, and I only knew the same people. I knew what I enjoyed and there is comfort in knowing yourself and having a routine, but suddenly my body craves activity and challenge and adventure. At night sometimes I get restless, and I pace my house. When I lay down, I can feel ribs. I can feel muscles in my arms and legs, and my body responds to even the slightest bits of touch. A year ago I couldn’t even feel my hand as it touched my leg because it was numb. I find it weird… almost like going to sleep one night and waking up the next morning in someone else’s body. I find it all quite overwhelming at times.
I think of the direction my life is heading, and it’s exciting, but at the same time, I have actually sat here in my dining room, shaking because it didn’t feel real and it’s scary. Change is intimidating because I don’t know what lies ahead. Standing on the edge, pushing forward makes it seem like a major drop-off between where I am right now and what direction I’m supposed to go next. I feel like Tom Hanks at the end of Castaway. He’s standing in the middle of the road, and he is looking both ways – knowing he’s got nothing to lose either way. I follow the light. I don’t know what it is yet, but that direction drives me every morning and at the end of the day, I know I’m going to be okay.
Lovingly,
Bean
