Dear Younger Me | Week 63 Weight Loss

Day 447. 204 pounds lost.

There’s this movie called I Can Only Imagine. When I first saw the preview back in November I knew it was going to be an agonizing 4-month wait. It had everything; hope, joy, faith, sorrow and a father who was miserable and took it out on his child. I had one of those parents, so I instantly connected to this film. I put it on my list of “100 things to do in 2018” and patiently waited for the release.

Speed ahead a few months. I found myself in another period of self-reflection. I had retreated to the comfort of my home for awhile to escape the somewhat madness of 2017. Though I am grateful for every part of last year, parts of it were overwhelming, and there were so many lessons I was still processing. It wasn’t just the physical parts of myself that I was relearning. There were new parts of my brain and heart that I had never seen before. I had changed on many levels. I was getting comfortable with more solitude again, and that peacefulness and quiet was something I craved.

I took time to get back to the basics; the ones that played such a successful part in last year. Many of those are simple daily routines; sending cards, doing grateful exercises, talking to GOD, meditation, spending times with my dogs, spending the time to plot new dream boards.

I was lifting much more than I ever had. I woke up one morning in particular hungrier than the zombies on The Walking Dead. I devoured an entire chicken in one day. It was a small bird, but. My appetite was increasing exponentially. It was starting to get challenging to keep myself in check because I suddenly started craving carbs. I stocked up on red potatoes and sweet potatoes hoping it would cure whatever the hell was wrong with me. I didn’t want to go back to eating all the garbage that I did before, but my appetite was getting ridiculous.  I kept checking the scale, and I wasn’t gaining weight, but I wasn’t losing either. WTF. I did measurements, and my calves, thighs and upper arms had all increased by a ¼ inch. The culprit? Lifting. Even my jeans were feeling a little tighter in the legs. A year ago, this would not have been a good thing. Now? It brought a smile. The goal is becoming less about a goal weight and more about becoming strong.

In a period of relatively quiet time, I met someone; more importantly when I wasn’t looking.  In my head, I thought I was going to steer clear because it didn’t dawn on me he could POSSIBLY be interested in me. Several weeks later this perfect figure of every dream I ever had asked me out, and of course, I said yes, and it was amazing! In fact, it was the first date I had been on in over …. Hmm…. It’s been so long; I don’t even know. The date went great, and I was looking forward to a second after we started making plans.

In our conversations, he asked me if I wanted to see a movie. Excited, I said YES! There is a movie that just came out I’ve been dying to see, and of course, I couldn’t wait to show it to him. His response was, “I’d rather vomit.” At first, I thought he was joking, but he followed it up with things I don’t care to put in here about GOD.  GOD plays a huge role in my daily life. There were 100 red flags I didn’t know where to start. There were others; many of those demons I had to fight through last year, and I never looked back. 

This morning, my bestie and I went and saw that movie, and it was by far one of the best films I’ve seen in a long time. I could probably watch it ten times, and I sobbed like a baby. There were so many parallels to my own life I couldn’t help but feel like I was meant to see it.

It makes me sick to even think about now, but I used to be one of those “clingy” girls. The ones that are so afraid of being by themselves they cling to whatever doesn’t run faster.  I placed my entire self-worth in someone else’s hands for years it took me awhile to appreciate my own. The more time I’ve spent alone, the more I realize just how strong I am. Being alone isn’t scary anymore, and I care and appreciate my list of negotiables and nonnegotiables. So when a surprise person comes along, you can size up whether they will compliment or complicate your life pretty quickly and not be affected when you peacefully walk the other way.

Second date? Nope.

Dear Younger Me………………. if I knew then what I know now…

Lovingly,

Bean