I Failed | Week 81 Weight Loss

Day 581. 215 pounds lost (as of July 14^th).

About a month ago I agreed not to weigh myself for a month and focus on The Zone. It came as advice from someone I trust very much, and it has proven to be a healthy decision for me. I wouldn’t say I had an unhealthy relationship with the scale, but I do agree I probably got on it more than I should have. Over the last almost month I have focused solely on continuing to improve the relationship I have with food. Learning The Zone has been one of the best things to ever happen to me. Though I don’t have the exact weight number, I did get a sneak peek during my annual physical last week, and the results are pretty amazing.  I’m excited to see where it’s going to land next Monday. Meanwhile, my clothes are fitting loser; my endurance is improving, and I put in almost 22 miles of walking over the last five days which is something 18 months ago I could only have dreamed about.

I always said from the beginning of the journey that I would talk about my success, but I would also agree to talk about the failures. Disappointment is a real thing, and no matter what it is, it’s a real emotion.  When I went to California to take my Level 1, it was by far the most engaging course I’d ever taken, and it was life-changing on many levels.  I struggled with many of the concepts, especially the movements portion. My experience in CrossFit and how I was introduced was different from others. For instance, I learned how to do the movements scaled. I was never concerned with learning the proper technical movement because it was something I was not able to do. Even now, there are many movements I cannot do and wonder if I will ever be able to do them.  Muscle ups, kipping pull-ups, regular pull-ups, jump rope, double-unders, and a myriad of other movements are simply things I cannot do. I never looked at someone previously and thought in my head that they might have been doing the movement wrong. Hell, I never watched myself do the movements. I learned how to do many of them by body position and how it felt. Even something as simple as a squat was difficult for me because of the way my right leg is formed. It naturally peaks to the right so during a squat, trying to keep both knees forward and trying to get it below parallel has always been a struggle. The bend on my right side will only allow for so much dip no matter how hard I try. Nevertheless, this is the portion of the exam that I struggled with the most.

The week after I got home was difficult because I was dreading the test results. I didn’t feel good about it because there was too long of a pause on too many of the questions.  Five days after my return, I opened my email and there it was: FAIL. I cannot even begin to describe the disappointment I felt.  I felt that I had let myself down. I cried most of the day but knew I would have to get back up and try again. Twelve hours after receiving my test results, I had a trip booked to restest, and I would have to wait the long month to try again. This shouldn’t have been a surprise, I have struggled with taking tests most of my life partly because of my test anxiety. I had to take the LSAT three times back in the day; it was awful just taking it once.

I didn’t talk about it because I was embarrassed. I knew I would be retesting, so I wanted to wait until the new results were out before I talked about the experience in detail.  Failing that test the first time was probably the best thing that could have happened. I doubt it would have sparked the natural curiosity for knowledge had it not happened this way. I immediately threw myself into learning and taking as many online courses as I could so that I could correct where I went wrong.

I share this because this is life and it happens. Success doesn’t necessarily happen overnight, but it also doesn’t happen on the first time. I have had to try things 100 times and a hundred different ways before, and this is no different.  My failure on this test was an opportunity to begin again, but this time more intelligently.  I think all of us naturally fear failing anything; I am not excluded from that. I didn’t want anyone to know that I had failed. Perhaps it was pride. However, whatever the reason, I’m glad that I did. What I’ve learned in the last month is priceless, and I’m excited to attack that test again this weekend.  I have always stood on one philosophy and that is transparency. I can’t be a hypocrite. So there you have it. I’ve never given up on anything and I’m not starting now.

Lovingly,

Bean