Day 526. 211.5 pounds lost.
Once again, the love today has just been tremendous. To all of you sending messages and emails I get them, I see them, and I love them. Anytime I start getting similar questions, it becomes a queue that I might need to address it. A ubiquitous but understandable question has been asked a lot, especially from many of you CrossFit coaches out there. You have a family member or friend that is overweight. You love them and want to help them……….what can you say or do?
SUCH a tough question but I will do my best to answer. I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer to this; I can only speak from my experience.
There are many methods, so let’s talk about them. I can think of a few: “the encourager” and “tough love,” seem to be the most popular.
The Encourager.
The method is simple. You love that person a lot, and you want them to be healthy so you are going to introduce them to every healthy thing out there in hopes they will “get it.” You’re going to say things like, “you have such a pretty face.” When I was a young teenager, I knew my parents felt helpless. I know they loved me, but they tried to take me to every nutritionist they could and tried to check me into every weight loss clinic available. It’s understandable; they loved me. However, as a kid and even a young adult, this felt more like punishment because I felt I was getting excluded. The other kids didn’t have to go and furthermore it wasn’t fun. When I was an adult, my ex would stop the plate of food seconds before it reached me and say, “I was better off without it.” Uhhg. It made me feel terrible.
Tough Love.
You love and care about your family member or friend, and you believe that the best way you can help them is to let them know their weight is a problem and that they need to do something about it. The critical mistake in this is that the person delivering the information believes that overweight person doesn’t already know they have a problem. They look at themselves in the mirror every single day. But this person thinks that being tough on them will get that person to change.
The pressure in this situation can become intense. I went through it. The person on the other end, of course, loves you and they don’t want to hurt or disappoint you so they will make an effort. The problem with this is that they aren’t doing it for themselves. They are doing it because they don’t want to upset you. This is not a recipe for long-term success.
Do you honestly believe that by getting angry at them or making comments about something they already know in their heart is something they need to do is going to make everything okay? It’s not. Chances are they might even fight you in spite and start doing worse had you just left them alone.
I know what you’re thinking already. You’re like, “Athena, what the hell.” Here’s my answer because it’s the only thing that worked for me. Give them time and space. You need to become the following:
The Example.
I think the worst thing you can do is ever assume what someone is going through or assume you know what they need. An overweight person feels hopeless, angry, sad, and isolated. What they need is to feel loved, to be included, to be accepted and to feel safe. Food is something they chose for comfort to combat whatever emotional issues are going on. Some things take time. If you can start understanding it’s not food, then perhaps you can see this from a different perspective. They may or may not ever get to a point where they can deal with it, but that is not something you can control. What you CAN control is how you approach it. Become the example.
If you are passionate about health and fitness, share it. Don’t force it. They are two entirely different things. Include that person, even if you have to ask 1000 times. If you love them or care about them, continue to make an effort to include them in your passion. If that person tries 100 times to lose weight, the last thing they need from you is a comment like, “Well, you’ve tried twenty times before, here we go again.”
I’m not saying feel sorry for them or jump on board their pity party. I’m saying support them. Continue to invite them to the gym, continue to include them in all of the healthy active things you do. Care about them without judgment. Let them find the space and give them the time they need to work out the issues that are causing the problem. There is nothing more you can do.
If you are a gym owner, don’t be afraid to post pictures of overweight people on your feed. If you as the gym owner or coach are trying to reach overweight people or bridge the gap, then they are going to need to feel safe in your environment. Trust me; when an obese person sees another person that looks like them, they will think, “Wow, if she can do it then so can I.” Create a community that provides this environment.
If you are using the above two methods – check in with me in a few months and let me know how that’s going for you. Some people may or may not ever get to a point where they want to deal with it. The answer is simple. Love them anyway.
Lovingly,
Bean
Such a difficult subject! Encourage and lead by example would be the two things I would recommend. Because ultimately this journey of weight loss is such an individual one….and if a person isn’t doing it because THEY want it, then they will ultimately fail.
So true. It might work for awhile, but if the underlying issues aren’t corrected it will resurface. In another time and place, almost guaranteed.