2020 – November Reflections | Diagnosis of Insufficiency

November

Scaled Nation CrossFit had been operational for about six weeks. I had plans for a big bang open, but those anticipated lockdowns and restrictions that I foresaw in the summer came just like I thought they would. I could have gone the zoom route as I had wanted, but I opted to focus on a small group that had already been coming to the box and just focuses on learning how to run it. My in-person coaching had been somewhat limited at this point. As it turned out, some of my reservations about opening came from the fact that I felt wholly unprepared as an owner and coach. I would rather mess up in front of a small group instead of a large one, so I opted to keep things compact and tight-knit. It could help me build my confidence and learn the ropes, so to speak. It was probably one of the best decisions I ever made {{laughing}}. I wasn’t in a situation where I HAD to be open to a large group. My finances didn’t depend on how many members I had, so I guess you could say I took advantage of a unique situation. A blessing, I call it. I was testing different kinds of workouts with varying levels of skill. I was learning, and my group was teaching ME.

—————————

Meanwhile…

In all honesty, I had a real uneasy feeling about the election in process. The world just seemed vicious. Friends verbally attacking friends, neighbors yelling at neighbors. I started the month with a phone call from a dear friend whose business had been looted and was told by their insurance company the coverage didn’t include “rioting.” I felt so helpless and just sat with her on the phone as she cried, trying to figure out what she and her family were going to do. I was angry that political violence just seemed like it was becoming the norm. The nasty posts on social media were becoming the norm. Friends saying, “Hey, if you are voting for this person, unfriend me this moment,” were becoming the norm.

I started spending less time on social media. It wasn’t really planned, but I turned my efforts into getting the audiobook recorded. I suppose you could say a strong distaste had been brewing, and I was desperate for spiritual reprieve elsewhere. Several times I week, I was down in the studio recording the book. We had the completion date all scoped out. I was excited for the release until the studio received notice the building was being sold. The forced shutdowns were causing financial harm they could not recover from. The editing would have to wait.

Towards the end of November, I got a call from my doctor, who wanted to follow up on all the bloodwork and ultrasound they had taken.  

It’s hard to explain, but I’m sure any number of you could identify with what I’m about to say. Sometimes we just know things. We don’t know HOW we know…. We just do.

I laid there on the cold table, fidgeting with my phone, waiting for the doctor to come in. I didn’t want to be there; what woman LIKES pelvic exams? Not me. When she finally came in, she pulled up her chair and wheeled it so she could hold my hand. At that moment, I thought she would tell me I had ovarian cancer or something terrible.

“Athena, your system isn’t responding normally, which is why your hormones are all over the grid right now.”

“Uh uh,” I muttered.

“You don’t have uterine cancer yet, but we need to get on top of it, so you don’t. You aren’t premenopausal, which is good, but you do have primary ovarian insufficiency.”

“What the heck is that,” I said, confused.

“It means that your ovaries are tired. If this continues, then your lining will build up and not release, and ultimately this could lead to uterine cancer, which we don’t want.”

“So……. “

The pause seemed like forever.

“So….. it means we have to get aggressive to make sure your body cycles, but it is going to come with some bad news, I’m afraid”.

As soon as she said it, I knew. It would mean an IUD or the pill, neither of which I ever had to take, but I knew what it would mean. It meant that having children naturally was most likely not going to be possible. I’m a believer in God, which also means I believe miracles happen every day. So I didn’t want to stamp that out, but in a way, I always knew. I just never had anyone tell me in so many words.

“How are you feeling, dear?”

“I don’t know. I’m not surprised I guess I just need time”.

“Have you ever thought about adopting?”

It had crossed my mind a time or two over the years, but I can’t say I ever gave it SERIOUS thought up till this point. I nodded, and my doctor smiled back at me.

“You’re going to be a mommy, Athena. It will just be a different route, that’s all”.  

——————-

I get out to my car, and I broke down. I looked down at my belly. “Your fucking tired, eh? Imagine how I feel!” To say I was annoyed wouldn’t cover it.

I felt like my five-year plan just got whacked. I prayed like I always do. What now, God? It was over Thanksgiving, and with my folks gone, I had a lot of quiet time to just think. I had no choice but to just give this whole thing to him; otherwise, I probably would have lost my noggin.

Several days later, I had a local channel on in the background while I did household chores. They featured a foster child that was waiting for his forever family, a feature made possible by the “Reel Hope Project.”  

I sat back in my chair and smiled as I watched the beautiful video. 

 “I’m listening, God! Don’t leave me; I’m listening”.