Where I Stand | Week 15 Weight Loss

I feel like my body is fighting me again, especially my knees. Some days I want to scream I get so bloody frustrated.

My heart wants to get out and run, jump around (but not like House of Pain), ride a mountain bike, hike somewhere, go snowshoeing, learn how to snowboard, hell anything outdoors.  I went to a CrossFit night a few weeks back, and I remember thinking, “Damn, I want to be able to do that.”  I have always been free spirited and adventurous, I just never had the body that allowed me to do these things. But it didn’t mean I didn’t watch and hopelessly yearn for it… wondering to myself, “Why not me”?

I was in my late 20’s when I found out I had Blount’s disease on my right leg which explained why most of my life everything hurt.  Some days, I feel like superwoman, other days walking around the house can be painful for no reason.  I finally get to a point where temptations are there, but I’m simply not interested in getting off track……… and here I am fighting my legs to keep me going.  I just want to smack the shit out of them sometimes. I have to grab my pants and yank them forward and say, “CMON!” I want to be down at the gym 5 days a week, but my body just won’t recover that fast. 

As soon as I hit my first milestone, I believed the knees would feel a world of difference, but they don’t.  It was a bit disheartening. The whole reason I started all of this was to feel better. I needed my legs to stop throbbing all the time. Some days like today, it feels like someone is stabbing my knee cap.  A few times over the last few weeks, I’ve actually looked up towards heaven and said, “Look, don’t you understand what I’m trying to do right now?”  HELP ME!     @*$#(*@^#&$^#@&*($&#@$^#*&@#

Here’s the truth of it. We’re all born with challenges of some kind, and this was one of mine. But, God didn’t have any control over how much weight I put on, that was all me. I’m not feeling sorry for myself because I believe in personal responsibility but…. I do need to own this.  All that weight further broke down what was already broken. That’s what happened. Choices can change our lives, whether we’re conscious of them or not. 

I don’t know whether I’m going to be able to do all those things above. Some might not be in the cards.  But….here’s what I can do. I can keep going and make the best of what I do have. I can still walk which is more than a lot of people can do.  Box step ups might be as close to box jumps as I will ever get – but it doesn’t mean I can’t give it everything I’ve got. It’s not too late for that.

It might get better as the weight continues to fall. Right now, I’m not sure where I stand or even how I will stand with the next 75 pounds gone, but I need to keep my head up and just… keep… moving. Be grateful. 

Lovingly, Bean

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