82 Pounds…. Day 114.

The last couple of days…. ugg. I just want to put my head in a hole sometimes. I suppose anyone can fake a good smile and I have done a good job, but I’m hurting. My right leg hurts just touching it, and I limp around most everywhere. People keep telling me not to push myself too far, but the leg is going to hurt anyway.

Mentally – I am at maximum capacity to process things at the moment. I have to remind myself daily why I’m doing this. There are sacrifices involved that I never thought about. I don’t get to spend quite as much time with family, and I know why I’ve quit in the past; because I can see how burnout happens. How long can someone go at full throttle without resting? Today is my rest day, I had too. I have to stop some days and say “Are you hurting or are you sore”? I try to do a good job at keeping that in check.

Emotionally speaking, it’s been really up and down the last five days. There has been a barrage of questions by various people. Some I feel have questioned my motives. What motive would there be other than to feel better?

Since this seems to be a repetitive question, I will answer it here. Why do I drive 36 miles to the gym? For the first time in my life, I found a place where I feel welcome. It’s pretty simple. There is no other reason. If it meant that I had to drive another 40 miles, then I would. I don’t take pleasure in the long drive other than I look forward to going. I look forward to how I feel when I get done, and I’m damn proud of myself. It really doesn’t matter where it’s at does it?

I know when you put a blog or Instagram out there in hopes that someone reading might be inspired to take the same journey, you open yourself up to a lot of criticism. Ehhh…. *sigh*.

I consider myself very spiritual. I seek help and guidance from God daily. I ask questions, and I try to observe. Just when I think I have it all figured out, life throws curveballs. Critics….. perhaps to test my strength and perseverance. Maybe that’s what they’re for. If this is going to be one of the best things to ever happen to me, I won’t lie and say some days I wonder if it’s worth it. The road can be quite lonely and mentally some of the toughest mountains and obstacles I have ever climbed in my life.

Give me strength because today I need it.

Lovingly,

Bean

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