Day 299, 171.5 pounds lost.
Two hundred ninety-nine days? Bahh! Unbelievable. Inches are still coming off because I noticed this morning that my brand-new Silver jeans that I’ve owned for less than three weeks are getting loose already. I’m glad I bought them on clearance. When clothing gets big, obviously, it makes me incredibly happy but going through them too quickly stresses me out a bit. *smile*.
So, I had an interesting life lesson today, and as I’m sitting here typing, I’m still trying to figure out how I want to talk about it. So here goes nothing:
Last year around Christmas time it was cold and incredibly icy outside. Goomba borrows my jeep from time to time because he likes driving it. He brought it home one unusually cold day with the gas cap door broke off. I was furious because there was a bottle of de-icer in the truck but instead of de-icing the gas cap door, he yanked it and broke the whole damn thing off. I was terribly upset because I knew even this small little door was probably going to cost a mini fortune to replace. Weeks went by, and I forgot about it, in fact not having the door (even as odd as it looked) grew on me. It’s an imperfection that I can laugh about even though I get shit about it from various people; lol I don’t mind anymore. Now, if that were me ten years ago, I would have flipped out on day one and made Goomba drive down to Jeep pay for the replacement because I was not about to go out in public with a broken door and probably not one that would make the Jeep look bad. There’s a difference between an imperfection and something that would affect the performance of the truck. The older I get, the more I recognize this in all areas of my life. I was coming back from a networking meeting this A.M and caught a glimpse of this little gas cap door that made me realize something about my life; call it another epiphany.
In the last post, I talked about the decision to cancel my eharmony membership, but there was an event that brought me to that decision. I never looked at pictures when I clicked on someone’s profile; it was a rule for me. I made a point of reading the profile first and then I could look at the pictures. I felt as if I had been judged most of my life I didn’t want to be “that person” because I knew how it felt. I got contacted by this amazing guy that had a WONDERFUL profile. A sense of humor is something I notice first about someone and probably the thing I find most attractive. He had it for sure. He passed the profile test, so I went to look through the photos. The first thing I noticed was that he was three times the size of an NFL linebacker but I also saw he had a beautiful smile and eyes bluer than the pacific ocean. However, as I scanned through some of his images I started noticing little things; pictures holding lots of beer, one picture he took at a drive-through window, lots of pizza, stupid stuff like this. It wasn’t his size that turned me off; it was his perceived lifestyle. I knew after the pictures that our lifestyles would not be compatible. I can’t imagine my life now without fitness and my health being a top priority for me and keeping my body and mind feeling right. It has become part of who I am.
I was a bitter, heavy girl for most of my life. I always believed that if I was turned down by a guy, it immediately meant he was an asshole; someone that was very surface. “He just didn’t like me because of what I look like….. fu***ng jerk”. It never dawned on me for a single second he saw something in my lifestyle that wouldn’t be compatible with his. I always believed it was something purely physical. I believed that up until the time where the tables were now reversed.
Imperfections are those little things that can grow on you, and you learn to love these things, or they simply don’t bother you at all. Lifestyles are not imperfections or character flaws; there is a huge difference. They can be deal breakers because if life paths aren’t the same, it can hurt rather than grow a relationship. When I was 440 pounds, there is no way that I can sit here and lie and say my lifestyle was healthy; I would not have been compatible with anyone. I was one of those people that said…… “It’s what on the inside that counts.” Yes… this is correct. However, I never considered this: what’s going on outside is a direct reflection of the negative stuff going on inside. That’s the truth whether I like admitting that or not. Looking back now and being perfectly honest, I was miserable. I haven’t met another morbidly obese person that can be 100% honest and say they are completely happy and they wouldn’t change a thing. Coming from that place, and knowing how dark it was, (looking back) I never thought about how that came across to others. It never dawned on me for a second what my appearance would have said about my quality of life, my ability to handle my problems, healthily deal with stress….. there are a million things. I could not have considered children at my heaviest which made the idea of a family impossible. I could go on for hours.
When we have something about ourselves that we can TOTALLY control yet we do nothing, it does say something about us whether we like that answer or not. I’m not talking about imperfections. I’m talking about things that can potentially control our lives negatively. If you had the choice, would you choose to have a better life experience? Finding the right life partners is sometimes about finding the partner that wants the same life experience you do.
God is always going to make better choices than I can, and I want to next one to be the right one. My ex and I didn’t work many reasons, but I guarantee one of the reasons we failed is because I didn’t value the same lifestyle as he did back then.
I get it now…..
The only thing I wrestle with today is the fact my body doesn’t match my inside. My inside feels like a ravenous wild beast ((laughing)) now I just need to wait for my body to catch up. Until then, I am going to keep traveling that highway down to Lakeville. And when it does catch up, I will still be down there, every day. I am still learning things daily, but this little piece right here has suddenly become….. clear….
Lovingly,
Bean
