Why the phrase “healing my relationship with food” sounds like nonsense

If you have ever rolled your eyes when someone mentioned “healing their relationship with food,” I get it. In fact, if you are a literal thinker, the phrase probably sounds like absolute garbage. Just this week, two different people reached out to me because they were genuinely confused by the terminology. I told them they were absolutely right. You can’t sit down for a cup of coffee and a heart-to-heart with a Little Debbie Christmas Tree.

It’s the eve of Christmas Eve, which means you’ve probably seen those waxy, delicious triangles everywhere. You might even feel like you’ve been personally victimized by one after eating three in a row. But let’s be real about the dynamic here because it certainly isn’t a two-way conversation.

the problem with the name

A few years ago, I was invited to contribute to a feature for the Morning Chalk Up about people in our community who were “healing their relationships” with food. Even though I understood the assignment, I admit I couldn’t stand the title at the time.  For me, the struggle was never really about the food. It was about my relationship with myself and my ability to regulate my emotions without calling in edible reinforcements. I never ran from what my struggle actually was. I have always been open about it which is the reason I didn’t like the title.

The phrasing feels wrong because it so often blames the wrong thing. It felt like a sheild so that people didn’t actually have to say what the issue really was. It’s a linguistic shortcut where people use the name of one thing to describe a huge, messy system of human behavior. But I also understood after many years why we use the shorthand. It took me a long time as a human and coach to understand not everyone is able to express or identify the same way I do. 

Yes, if we were being technically accurate, your friend or family member wouldn’t say they’re healing their relationship with food. They’d say, “I am currently unlearning shame-based habits while fixing a fried stress management system and relearning how to listen to my body.” There’s a million other combinations…..

That sentence (or million other examples) doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue at a holiday party. You know what I mean?

what they actually mean

When someone uses that phrase, they (most often) aren’t actually talking about the food. They’re usually trying to repair (heal) one of three things that are happening inside of them. This isn’t an exhaustive list, it’s just the most common.

1. The Internal Dialogue
When someone talks about a “toxic relationship” with food, they aren’t arguing with the snack cake; they’re arguing with their own inner critic. They’re fighting a voice in their head that claims they’re a total failure if they eat a cookie. The “healing” they refer to is about silencing that judge. And let me tell you,  that Judge is one unforgiving, grumpy MF. 

2. The Nervous System
This is really a relationship with stress. For many people, eating is a physiological “off-switch.” It’s a quick hit of dopamine for a brain that feels unsafe or overwhelmed. When they say they’re healing their relationship with food, they’re actually trying to find a new way to feel calm that doesn’t involve reaching for the little Christmas tree every time the world feels nuts. And this is important, don’t get this part wrong. It doesn’t have to be sugar. It could be…. lettuce or…. nuts.

3. Cultural Conditioning
We live in a world where specific items are labeled “good” or “bad.” Healing in this context is really just stripping away the moral labels we’ve slapped onto calories. It’s the process of learning that eating a slice of pizza doesn’t make you a “bad” person, just like eating kale doesn’t make you a “good” one. I know plenty of people of who eat kale who I wouldn’t invite over for a holiday dinner.

the “no contact” rule

You might still think it’d be easier to just say you’re stressed, but this is where the skeptic misses the point. The reason they call it a “relationship” is because this is the only dynamic in your life where the “No Contact” rule doesn’t apply.

If you have a toxic dynamic with an ex-partner or a specific substance, the solution is often removal. You can decide to go zero-tolerance and never engage with that person or thing ever again.

But you can’t do that here because you have to eat. You have to wake up and interact with food every single day for the rest of your life. You have to sit at the table with it and negotiate with it and find a way to live with it without letting it ruin your day.

That isn’t just a habit. That’s a partnership. And for a lot of people, it’s a really bad one. The word “relationship” admits that this is a lifelong deal.

the holiday game plan

So the next time you hear someone (especially around the holidays) use this phrase, try not to write it off as therapy crap. Think of it as scaffolding. When you’re building a skyscraper, you need the scaffolding first to hold everything up while you do the real work.

The phrase “healing my relationship with food” is just the scaffolding. The actual building is the self-worth and the mental health work they’re doing behind the scenes. They’re trying to build a version of themselves that can stand in front of the dessert table, see the Christmas Tree for the waxy sugar triangle that it is, and make a decision that is best for them.

And considering those little trees have a shelf life that will probably outlast us all, learning to live in peace with them, and more importantly with themselves, is the smartest move they can make.