Day 261. 163 pounds lost.
I found myself in tears parts of the day, but it wasn’t because I was sad. Overwhelm and exhaustion? Check.
We carpooled out to the event yesterday, and as much as I tried to be social on the way out, my stomach was in knots. I had a million things running through my mind, and most of those little thoughts had a theme: “will I finish?” I have seen people over the last nine months compete in events that were up to 26 miles and here I was nervous about a 5k. It had me feeling like an idiot.
I could talk about the whole course, but overall it was hard for me. I’d never done massive hills before, and I kept having problems stabilizing my breathing. I was terrified through quite a bit of it because I kept waiting for my knee to give out. As I walked, there was this voice fighting me that kept saying “okay, anytime now”……… “right about now.” I kept bracing for something that didn’t happen.
I got caught up on one of the obstacles because I was scared out of my mind to throw my leg over the other side, fearful the knee wouldn’t hold my weight. If you knew how difficult walking was for me for years, I had every reason to believe it wouldn’t. But with the help of my friends and this amazing supportive crowd nearby, I was able to get across.
I hurt my left knee and foot on a different obstacle which made the last mile agonizing. I was determined to get across it without falling into the mud water, but by doing so, my knee just dug into that board like cheesegrater. I made it across, but I’m paying for it today.
Every step of the last mile hurt and it was painful. There is a part in all of us I think that dislikes being so vulnerable. The simple idea of letting other people see me shake, struggle, and cry……. When I’m at my worst is tough. Uhhg. Giving up wasn’t an option, but I did wonder if my legs were just going to stop moving. I was feeling a bit of anxiety and perhaps embarrassed that I was last. At one point I got the “30-minute warning” they were going to close the course. “I’m sucking aren’t I” was all I thought that last ½ mile. I said a prayer in my head that sounded a bit like, “Fine, they can see me struggle but please God don’t let them see me fall.” I didn’t fall…. I’m grateful for that.
It was a reflective day for me today. I had witnessed people being taken down off that mountain yesterday, and I wasn’t one of them. Granted I didn’t try every single obstacle, but I finished. The support was immense, and I feel so much gratitude today it’s unbelievable. I didn’t do as well as I wanted, and it took much longer than I thought it would, but I finished. That was the only real goal I had.
All I could think about today was how much better I know I can do next year. I’m not afraid of these events anymore, so that fear is gone. I’d like to know what the next big thing will be…. but for tomorrow, it will just be putting one foot in front of the other. Slowly….. and carefully.
Lovingly,
Bean
Way to go!!
thanks lady 🙂