Day 1,050. 225 lbs. lost. (as of 2-2)
I think this is the first month where I finally feel like myself again – or rather, I am starting too. Maybe I shouldn’t even say it like that – it feels like a totally different version of myself. At the same time, it feels as though I was living in a box for nine months. Everything feels new again on almost every level. It required mental strength to be alone, cooped up in this house for so long without everyday connection for awhile. Even if it’s what I wanted, to believe that I wasn’t going to disappear or that people would notice if I did. However, the downtime was a gift, to say the least. I didn’t think so when I was going through it but as I type this tonight, I am so incredibly grateful.
A year ago, I was in a different frame of mind when I started writing my book. I think one of the greatest things that came out of that period of stillness was the ability to turn it off for a while. Not because I wanted too, but because I didn’t have the headspace. Oxycodone has a unique effect on the brain {{laughing}}. But when I came back to it, enough time had gone by where I was able to look at things that happened a few years back with such a different set of eyes. It allowed me time to be reflective vs. reactive, something I recognized as growth. Parts of me are excited to finally release this work, but other parts are scared shi**ess. I’ve always talked about things openly, but there are things in the book I’ve barely spoken a word to a soul. It’s liberating, but at the same …. Scary. I’m navigating these feelings but ultimately, I’ve poured so much love into this project. I’m looking forward to sharing it.
Wins these days are small but profound. Sometimes it’s just noticing the everyday things. I can carry laundry baskets upstairs! I can walk down the stairs without holding onto the railing!
My energy has improved dramatically and I am excited every day to wake up knowing I have class or training that day. That’s a feeling that took a long time to get back, and it’s been the one that has made the most difference, especially in the last month or so. My collarbone is coming back …. (grin) oh hello collarbone. Where had you been? I learned there were a few things that I missed doing. I missed just being a girl. Putting on a little makeup, round brushing my hair. I find myself doing it almost every day now for no reason other than it makes me smile. It feels GOOD to not hurt anymore.
So what’s next. This might surprise many of you, but I’ve never worn heels in my life. I couldn’t because of the right leg. I wore a little version of a pump that might have had an inch or so, but nothing like all the pretty shoes I have always wanted to wear. Even if it’s just once. I haven’t worked up the nerve to buy a pair yet but it’s on my list. The scars on my legs don’t look very pretty. I do think about that from time to time. But hey – I will have nice round brushed hair and a pair of pink heels. I think I can compromise. Now….. I just need to be brave enough to buy a pair and…… figure out how to walk in them.
*giggles – as she walks off to go to bed*….
