Rage – explain rage. For me, it meant lashing out at anyone and everyone. I was going to do things my way, good or bad and screw everyone else. My experience with Joe set me off; I found myself in a place I would never have imagined.
I tried to forget it like I attempted to ignore everything else in my life that had happened. I didn’t see Joe very often, but I did happen to meet his brother (we’ll call him “Tom”) at one of the parties. He was different and though I was skeptical because he was part of the same family, I let my guard down. He had a ton of friends and suddenly I was one of them. I was invited to his inner circle and I jumped on board. When you’ve never had many friends your whole life, you crave acceptance. Friends are what I needed and wanted so desperately; to be part of something, to feel like people cared about me. I found that group of friends. I call this six-month period……….. “idiocracy”.
They introduced me to weed. I liked it; it made me laugh. I was getting invited to every function and they were all excited to see me. I liked this life. For once, it finally felt good. I was reluctant when they poured a line of white powder on the table, but I tried that too. I had just made a bunch of new friends, I didn’t want to say no. For a few weeks, I thought I had found a magic weight loss powder. It made me stay up for 36 hours, I got tons of stuff done and I didn’t want to eat. This was perfect.
I got so involved in this new circle, I forgot about my cousins, my life, school and my job. My cousin had worked hard to get me a job where he was working and I was so messed up I kept coming in late. I eventually left, but I think I was close to getting fired. I was flunking school and I didn’t care. I was coming home at 3 am and pissing my aunt off and I didn’t care. I knew why she cared though. She knew that circle well and I should have listened to her, but I didn’t. She didn’t want me part of what she saw coming, but I was defiant. I wasn’t going to have anyone tell me what to do. I was paying rent, I was an adult, and I could do whatever the hell I wanted. And I did. I would eventually move out of my aunt’s house due to the constant bickering and tension. I would end up getting an apartment with Tom and his girlfriend and I finally felt free. Everything was glorious for awhile. I must admit things were fun. That’s what I wanted – lots and lots of fun.
In the spring of 1996, my parents moved to Texas so I finally had some comforts they were around. I was still in school, but I wasn’t doing great.
I came home early from work one day. I wasn’t feeling too hot. I sluggishly carried myself up the stairwell to our apartment; ready to call it a day early. I opened the door, and I was horrified. Tom and one of his brothers were counting money; more money than I had ever seen in my life. Next to the money were several bags that………….. let’s just say they weren’t legal. This is exactly what my aunt was warning me against, and suddenly it wasn’t fun and games anymore. That was the last day I saw any of them. Suddenly…. my circle was zero….again. Life got pretty lonely for a while. I had my folks, but it wasn’t the same.
Shortly after I left what could have been an episode of “Cops”, I got a bomb dropped on my head.; I was 18 years old. As if I hadn’t had enough. The school needed a copy of my father’s insurance; the card I had expired. I called the house knowing that father would be at work, so I asked for the stepmom. The oldest brother, which was her biological son, sounded surprised. He said, “Bean, you hadn’t heard”? Hadn’t heard what? He said, “Bean, stepmom passed away nine months ago.”
What in the wholly shit? Stepmom had died and nobody bothered to tell me? That father of mine was a real piece of work. I hung up the phone and I literally went into a screaming fit. I was so angry at the world for so many reasons. I wasn’t upset that she died. I don’t mean to sound cruel. However, it’s very difficult to feel mourning or loss for someone that destroyed a life. Here’s why I was upset: I was never going to get that chance to put that woman in jail. I was going to school for it, I was determined to lock that woman away for the rest of her life and God took that from me. She was never going to understand what she did to me. It felt so unfair. How do you get closure with someone that is dead? How is justice served is she was in heaven?
I didn’t know what the hell I was going to do now. That just totally threw my plans to Pluto. Sorry, Pluto is a star now. It threw my plans to Jupiter.
I believed that everyone that died went to heaven. She didn’t deserve heaven. I prayed that God would help me find resolve with this. I prayed for freedom. I prayed for the strength to let her go. I prayed that he would not forget what she did. I prayed that he would not forsake me.
I never got to tell her what I needed too. Sometimes you just need to say what you need to say.
Bean There.
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