The first thing I decided to do when I walked in the door tonight was to write. For no other reason, to release this to the universe. If I don’t do it this second, I might not.
I had a great night tonight meeting new people so by all accounts it was a win. But as I was driving myself home tonight on a dark stretch of highway, I felt tears rolling down my cheeks. It wasn’t sadness; to the contrary. It was utter overwhelm. I suppose it would be hard for most people to understand that feeling without really knowing the truth about where I was a brief time ago.
Fear and isolation can be terrible things. I lived with both. For a very long time. I didn’t know anyone but my business partner when I moved here. It’s crazy to think that I would move somewhere under those circumstances but my heart wanted so much more. I don’t know why I was drawn here. Sometimes I believe it was God himself that laid those stones for me in the very manner he did to get me to where I am today. I believe that. But here I was six years ago this month. My family had gone back to Washington and Texas after helping me move, and there I was standing in the middle of my living room looking around wondering what the hell I had just done. I was full of hope and excitement, but as time marched forward, I missed family and friends. I missed something familiar and I struggled. Far more than I had ever anticpated. That struggle would surface as the weight gain most people saw every day. Food solved my problems. At least temporarily and then hours later, I would feel worse, and the evil cycle would simply perpetuate.
I got good at being by myself. It became something I didn’t fear. I could sing, laugh at funny cat videos and walk around naked if I wanted. Who was going to stop me? I lived my life the best I could. I always tried to find things to keep me busy. My businesses were always my fallback. But at the end of some days (not all…… but some)….. I was horribly miserable. Some nights I’d fall asleep crying – either because I couldn’t figure a way out of the isolation I felt here or because the added weight was killing my leg.
Fast forward 5 years. I couldn’t move anymore. I stopped going places. If I had to go grocery shopping, I would go at night so I could avoid the stares. I tried a few times to get myself going at a local gym, but I stopped because the laughs and whispers were just finally too much. I wonder now how many of those were imagined or whether they were real. Was that dirty look for me? Or was that for someone else? Paranoia became truth. They were all making fun of ME.
Movement around my home was so labored, and the pain was so real I was medicating twice a day. I worried I might get addicted to hydrocodone. Everywhere around the house I had to hold on to things to walk around; kitchen counters, tables. I feel bad for my business partner that had to watch that every day. I feel bad that he did so much for me. If you’re reading this, I’m sorry. You did way more than you had too and I wouldn’t be here without you.
At Christmas, because the ability to travel got impossible, I simply opted to stay at home. I spent Christmas day by myself crying on the sofa. I screamed at God most of the week in fact.
Fast forward 3 months – today. I walked into that CrossFit Gym I was telling you about. That scared, fearful woman that I had become was waiting for someone to stare. Laugh. I found myself looking around the room quite a bit just to get confirmation that I was right. Somebody freaking look at me so I can validate this for myself!*&$*$&$(!!!…………. It didn’t happen.
Here’s what did happen. They were so kind and friendly. One by one they would come by and introduce themselves. I had braced myself for the worst – just like I keep doing at these new experiences, and my fears are just that. Fears. I was just waiting for that one asshole to say or flash me the look I had grown so accustomed to seeing but it simply didn’t happen, and for that, there are no words tonight. Only tears. Life is getting better, and it’s a bit overwhelming. I prayed for this, and now it’s happening, and now I almost don’t know what to do with it.
I know that there’s a possibility that so much of my paranoia were self-created. I’m scared almost every place I go, but it’s getting better, and it’s getting easier. I sometimes wonder if people get sick of seeing those badges. But each one of them is changing my life.
There’s only one question I ask myself this moment: Where do I want to go tomorrow? *smile*.
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