Estimated reading time: 5 minutes
it started with a question
A guy named Joe wrote into the Chasing Excellence podcast asking something many people have wrestled with: “Is it okay to use fitness as a filter when dating?”
Joe is in his forties, deeply committed to health, and wants a partner who shares those priorities. But his friends? They weren’t buying it. They accused him of using “fitness” as code for only dating conventionally attractive women. The message was clear: you’re not talking about values but hiding your preferences behind them.
They might not be wrong, but the article defending Joe missed the mark, because Ben and Patrick were answering a question about values, while Joe’s friends were calling out a pattern of bias (or their perceived pattern). One conversation was about shared priorities. The other was about who gets disqualified. Different questions, different motives; completely different planets.
let’s talk about values
The article said that many of us in the fitness world would agree that values matter. It’s okay, even wise, to choose someone who aligns with your core beliefs. If movement, nourishment, and discipline are part of your everyday life, you need someone who won’t resent them, mock them, or make you choose between your progress and their comfort. I would say this is absolutely right.
But here’s what the article didn’t say (not that it should have but we are addressing Joe’s friends statements): You can say, “I just want someone who takes care of themselves,” and still mean, “I don’t want to date someone fat.” You can talk about gym routines, macros, and Sunday meal prep, but what you really want is someone who looks like they belong on the front of a supplement label.
That’s not values. That’s aesthetic preference. And when you wrap that up in the language of health? That’s not a filter; it’s a front.
what a mismatch actually looks like
Let’s be real for a second: attraction matters. We’re human. But if you claim values, you better know the difference between shared purpose and pants size.
Here’s what a values mismatch actually looks like:
You wake up at 6am to train, and your partner stays out till 2am drinking. You spend time learning about nutrition, and they roll their eyes every time you cook a balanced meal. You’re trying to grow, heal, and steward your body well, and they laugh at the effort or sabotage your progress.
Or maybe you’re excited about hitting a PR and your partner shrugs it off like it’s no big deal. You feel like you have to downplay your wins, soften your goals, or explain why this lifestyle matters to you at all. That isn’t just a mismatch in routine; that’s a mismatch in respect.
That’s a misalignment. That’s incompatibility. That’s a valid deal breaker.
But someone who’s in a different body, who moves differently, who’s on their own journey but still honors yours? That’s not the problem. That’s just not your mirror. It doesn’t have to be, but that what it is.
ask the real question
So the question isn’t, “Can I filter for fitness?” The question is, “What am I really filtering for?”
Do you want someone who shares your values or validates your ego? Are you looking for alignment or affirmation? Are you seeking connection or control?
If what you mean by “health” is actually “hot,” and if what you’re calling alignment is really just a need for someone to look the part, then it’s not about shared values at all. It’s about keeping up the image. It’s about hiding appearance-based standards behind a moral façade of discipline and wellness. That’s not a filter and it keeps you from facing the truth: that you’ve mistaken visual appeal for values and called it compatibility.
Poor Joe. He thought he was asking a simple question about values; something many of us have probably asked ourselves in quieter ways. But his friends were holding up a mirror, not just to him, but to the culture we all swim in. And to be fair? Most of us wouldn’t know what to do with that reflection either.
name the truth
I’m not here to police anyone’s preferences. But I am here to name the truth:
You can love health and still fear fatness, preach discipline and still idolize appearance, chase compatibility and still weaponize wellness.
So, if you’re going to filter for fitness, cool. But be honest about what’s driving that filter.
Ben and Patrick gave an honest and thoughtful answer to Joe’s question. But they weren’t answering the underbelly question Joe’s friends were really saying. Ben and Patrick tiptoed and talked about alignment. Joe’s friends were talking about potential bias. They answered for compatibility. His friends were implying physical appearance.
If we can’t tell the difference between someone’s lifestyle and someone’s looks, then we’re not actually filtering for values. That gap? It doesn’t just show up in our dating life. It shows up in our coaching, our conversations, and the parts of ourselves we still haven’t made peace with; the insecurities, judgments, and unresolved beliefs we carry about bodies, worth, and what it means to be “healthy enough.”
