Rise of the Phoenix | Week 25 Weight Loss

Day 174, 122 pounds lost.

I will be honest, as I sit down to write this, I have no idea what I’m going to say.  I’m going to write on a whim from the heart the only way I know how.

This last week was filled with some of the most difficult and emotionally taxing events since I started my journey. Not only am I physically tired and my body is in a constant state of soreness, there were two defining moments; one of them God apparently believed was a necessary part of my experience and one was my own choosing.

I am not the woman I was ten years ago. I used to be very selfish, and I made horrible decisions based on my own insecurities and need for love and attention.  Back then, God certainly wasn’t a part of my daily life. Essentially I fell for a guy that wasn’t mine to have. Though I didn’t initiate it, I walked in all knowing.  I’m not ashamed of it, I learned from it, and I have forgiven myself for my indiscretions. Karma is the law of compensation, not of vengeance but everything comes back in a circle. What you give you get, and what you put there will inadvertently come back. Sometimes as lessons, sometimes as blessings, and sometimes to learn. Fast forward ten years to this week; I was the girl on the receiving end of boundless compliments and attention during a time when my heart was quite vulnerable from a man that belonged to someone else.  The point in telling you this short story is to clarify that everyone wants to feel beautiful at a time when they feel the ugliest. Everyone wants to hear they are attractive, and that someone desires you. It’s flattering. However, the only measure of growth is to be able to say that you won’t make the same mistakes twice. It took every ounce of courage I had to walk the other way and to understand that I am worthy and the right guy will be there at the right time if I surrender my trust to God, as I have done.  Trusting can be painful during times when we crave validation.

The second defining moment of my week: I carried around feelings for a long time for someone I adore deeply. I didn’t say anything because I was afraid. I was afraid of rejection, and I was afraid of not being good enough. I didn’t feel like I could be myself around him because I always worried about saying or doing the wrong things. I was always nervous and just simply dumb around him. How could he possibly get to know “me” if I couldn’t even act like myself? It was frustrating and I didn’t want to do it anymore. I was afraid of doing anything that might derail this journey; always careful not alter anything that would compromise my progress. But life doesn’t work like this. If you make a decision to change your life, then it doesn’t matter what comes up along the way. You should be able to maintain concrete feet despite whatever gets tossed in the path. If this journey truly was for me and if I wasn’t doing it for anyone but me, then nothing could get me off track, and I knew this.  There was only one way to test my growth and commitment theory, and that was to swallow my pride, break down, and communicate this the only way I knew how; truthfully and from every part of my heart possible.  The outcome of that conversation isn’t nearly as important as my takeaway. I knew that good or bad my commitment to myself would become evident quickly because there are Taco Bells every couple miles. If it were going to derail me, then I would have been eating within hours. That didn’t happen, in fact, it didn’t even cross my mind. Working through my life fears was part of my journey, and I think God knew that. I lived in fear most of my life and something changed this year. I will never live fearfully again.

I have been given gifts these last six months, and the greatest gift I have discovered is the desire to live my life authentically.  I can’t possibly be living an authentic life if I’m scared or fearful. Power truly comes when despite the outcome of any given situation we can stare our fears in the face. We might stand there shaking and crying, but damn, it can be done. We get so wrapped up what other people think is best for us, and we get so worried about disappointing people or trying to be the “nice person,” that we forget to live for ourselves. I am a Phoenix, rising from the ash. I know this because I just managed to do the bravest thing of my life and 24 hours later and I am just as solid on my journey as I was yesterday. That’s growth, and I couldn’t be more proud.  Every time I work through a fear I get stronger every day. I wouldn’t trade this for anything.

If you see something beautiful in someone, say it. If you are scared, then stand up and face the storm. We always think the worst and it’s never as bad as we work it up in our minds. The worst thing that can happen is you get knocked over, but you’ve got two legs that make it possible to get right back up again. This goes for anything you do in life. If you’re scared of joining a gym because you think you aren’t fit enough to walk in there, cry it out at the door, let go of the pride and get your ass in there. If someone is sucking the life out of you, tell them. Perhaps they are unaware, and their life could change because you were strong enough to tell them.  Be brave enough to cut something that’s not good for you. Be brave enough to communicate how you feel. Why do we always assume that the end result will be bad? There’s an equal chance it could be better than it was before. It’s either that or you’re going to look when your 80 and you will have nothing but a handful of regrets. I’m not living a life that ever again. You get to chose your life experiences and believe it or not, you control more than you think.

Be bold. Live like you’re dying. Take 100%  control of your life.  But whatever you do…………always stay humble, and kind.

Lovingly,

Bean