Day 183. 126 Pounds Lost.
It’s officially halfway through the year and 4th of July weekend. I made it! Two pounds this week was a bit unusual, but I found myself in a dressing room Wednesday night that told me I’m still losing inches so no panicking here.
As I was cleaning my house this afternoon, thoughts of those first two weeks in January popped into my head. I knew I was on a mission, even in those first few critical days, but in the back of my mind, there was still doubt that I would even get this far. Trying to think about six months down the road was far too overwhelming for me. I still don’t think that far ahead, I literally take this thing one day at a time. This is also how I have found a sense of peace. Ninety-nine percent of the things we think and stress about never happen. Only focusing on today gives me greater control of what I do and the decisions that I make. Time and patience is something that I have embraced (kicking and screaming, yes). I have never been a patient person nor did I ever practice that virtue on a regular basis. In my defense, in a digitally obsessed world, we’re used to having what we need and want immediately. Even further, we’re constantly busy; it’s no wonder we don’t really have patience. Our environment makes us think that we don’t have the time for it. I didn’t, and God is teaching me otherwise.
January was my Declaration of Independence, and so far I have kept that promise to myself without waiver. I was not going to be a slave to this body anymore. I had paid my tax, and it was time to get my f-ng life back. This weekend historically has always been a big deal in my family. We have always flown the colors red, white, and blue proudly outside my home, and they are playing a role in my life even now. If you didn’t know this, white signifies purity and innocence. Red stands for hardiness and valor, and blue is for perseverance. I wouldn’t exactly say that I am pure and innocent {{laugh}}. However, my intentions from the beginning have been pure, and my desire to rediscover the child inside that seemingly had disappeared have been earnest. Hardiness means that you are able to endure difficult conditions. Any goal requires toughness and stamina, but I never realized until now how difficult it has been. I don’t know where this monster in my heart came from to tackle this mountain but it’s there. I am putting over 900 miles a week in commuting and gym travel and the gym time itself has become almost like a part-time job on top of every other responsibility. There are times when I am so tired I want to cry, but dammit, I persevere. These are my colors right now. If you want something bad enough, you must fight for it. You will have sacrifices, you will have to give things up. You will miss time with family and friends. You will feel alone. And some days…. You will feel like quitting. I can’t even begin to imagine what my life would look like had those important men hundreds of years ago given up. At the same time – I can’t imagine what my life would look like if I didn’t continue to fight for it. It means something.
We have a tendency to hide our true colors, in fact, I think we sometimes hide the most beautiful attributes of our personalities more often than we realize to show what we think people want to see. The good, the bad, the imperfect, the silly. To one person, an attribute might be annoying. To another, it could be the most beautiful thing about them. I am finding my colors and my gifts. Some of them I feel I was never allowed to show. There is nothing more freeing than simply being able to fly your colors and not worry about what other people think. I am learning to use those gifts, and whether people understand them or not, that’s ok. ????
I hope maybe this weekend you think about your own flags and colors. Figure out what they are and fly them proudly. Be who you are unapologetically. Fight for it.
Lovingly, Bean
Amen
Amen sister!!