Day 235. 152 pounds lost.
One of the things I hear most often and did again today is, “Athena you must feel amazing!!”. For the most part, yes I do. My renewed zest for life is indescribable. However, there are days surprisingly when I don’t feel so hot. They are a bit hard to explain, but I will try to do that today.
I have learned that weight loss by itself doesn’t make you happy. Yes, your clothes fit better, but it’s not the solution to the problem. Had I realized there would be so much “mind” work, I might have been a little scared when I started. Losing weight on its own is tough. Yes, you have to eat right and work out, but the hard part is the battle with your brain and the discovery that you are your own problem. It can be unrelenting and painful. If you are one of those people that say “If I could just lose twenty pounds my life will be better” there’s a good solid chance you are going to be disappointed when you realize the problem wasn’t your weight.
There’s an exposure factor that I never talked about until today. Losing a lot of weight can make you feel extremely vulnerable. As a large person with a large presence, it gave me a degree of protection. I always seemed to find a way to hide behind my weight. Extra flesh gone can tend to leave you feeling a bit exposed. Now don’t get me wrong, it’s not always a bad thing. I used to be very afraid of being vulnerable but I have found that it’s part of what makes me – ME. Carrying around a lot of weight can be an emotional buffer because others don’t really get to see the real you. Most of the time its because they are unwilling to take the time but nonetheless, that feeling is there.
Attention can be very difficult because compliments aren’t something I’m used too. As much as I love them, they can be emotionally painful because it’s a realization that I am being noticed. If you’ve been morbidly obese as I have you may have generally been ignored. When you lose a bunch of weight, it means that you may face the unfamiliar and unpredictable reactions from others. If you’re like me, you like staying in your comfort zone, so this will be probably the most challenging thing there is.
Relationship tensions…. There has been an ungodly amount of effort thus far to get as far as I have and I feel like a reborn person. But with this has come tensions in a few of my inner relationships. People in my life got used to me being one way for so long that naturally, the relationship started to change when I started putting my foot down. When you start your weight loss journey, not everyone around you may be on board with your plan or even like the idea of you becoming healthier. Don’t be surprised if someone in your life decides he/she just isn’t ready to embrace the new lifestyle you are embarking on. Accept that not every relationship will stay the same.
I talked about this a few days ago, but honestly, my head is trying to catch up. What do I mean by this? I have only identified as a “heavy person.” Even losing as much as I have already, there is still a somewhat distorted view of myself. I still keep wearing things that are ten sizes too big and I tend to avoid the mirror some days because it’s difficult for me to look at this new person staring at me. I’m starting not to recognize her. So what I mean is to be prepared that it might take some time for your brain to catch up to your new body. In fact, it may even take some emotional work to get past your previous self-image. That’s where the real work is….. I have to work on this every single day.
A weight loss journey is an emotional endeavor… Even more than the physical barriers and logistical obstacles. I keep telling myself the best is yet to come. But here’s the best part: I believe that. *smile*…..
Lovingly,
Bean
