Day 241. 156 pounds lost.
The Minnesota State Fair … “the Great Minnesota Get-together” is upon us once again. I have said no to invites the last several years for a few reasons. The first one had everything to do with mobility. My own pride would not allow me to ride around in one of those mobility carts even though my knees and legs probably would have thanked me for it. When you’re a heavy person, people automatically assume at first glance (let’s face it, a glance is all you get) that if I’m in one of these carts, I must be lazy. I would cry a lot around this time in previous years because every part of me wanted to get out and experience life for just one day. I wanted to go see all the art, pet farm animals, laugh, go to a concert, try some weird crazy fair food. But, you’ve got to be brave to do this….. and previously, I was not brave. I was scared shitless.
Going to the fair for a heavy person is like being the main character in a circus performance. Seriously. You already know when you go to something like this, you are going to be stared at, laughed at (if not visually, some looks will always say everything) and probably talked about on Monday morning with other people standing around a proverbial water cooler. It can literally be painful to go to an event like this; you almost have to suit up with an outfit of armor if that’s even possible.
I don’t reward myself with food simply because I never thought it was a good idea but what inspires and motivates people is different and to each his own. What if that one obese woman that people talked about on a Monday morning had actually lost 150 pounds this last year. She decides that she was not only going to go to the fair, but she was going to get that bucket of Martha’s cookies as a reward for her hard work. You wouldn’t know that just getting a glance at her. No, for some reason there is an automatic assumption that “she’s stuffing her face again.”
Skinny people do it all the time; reward themselves with food. I see it weekly. They come work like Hornets in the gym all week, but on the weekends I see the plates of food they post on Instagram and the cheers to the 15 beers they drank on Saturday night. But for some reason, this couldn’t nearly be as bad as that one obese woman walking around with a bucket of cookies in her hand. Without ever knowing her story, people have already decided it was “horrifying.” It’s almost like saying “my unhealthy decision is way better than your unhealthy decision”…..
But good for her for losing 150 pounds this year – if you ask me she deserves that cookie if she wants it. Yeah…. I’d agree – watching her eat that cookie would be pretty fucking horrifying. “Oh, Athena….. how many of those people are there?” I don’t know…. But when I go to the fair on Thursday I could be that woman, right?
I’m choosing not to eat Martha’s cookie. In fact, I’m choosing not to eat a single thing that day. I am trying to teach myself that I can have fun without food being attached to that feeling. If you want the truth – it’s safer for me not to have anything in my hand. I feel I have gotten so strong, but I do still have a heart and feelings. I want to be able to go and enjoy that day with my family, and whoever else would want to come and not have those extra looks. The ones that people without question would give if for some reason I made that tiny decision (like everybody else that goes to the fair) ……. “gosh, those cookies are good, let’s get some.”
Scripture: “Mary turned around and saw someone standing there. It was Jesus, but she didn’t recognize him. ‘Why are you crying?’ he asked her… She thought he was the gardener. ‘Sir, if you have taken my Lord away, tell me where you have put him…’ ‘Mary!’ Jesus said.” (John 20:14-16)
Reflection: She thought he was the gardener. I imagine he was a bit unkempt – soiled work clothes, dirty hands, unruly hair. We miss the beautiful because we judge the ordinary.
Lovingly,
Bean
