Welcome To Texas

I arrived in Texas in the summer of 1995. My Dad had family down there so it made sense to attend college where there were familiar people around. In a way though I was heartbroken. Older brother and I graduated at the same time. He went into the Air Force and I was devastated that I couldn’t go with him. I wanted too. I wanted to more than anything in the world than to join him in basic training, but I could not meet physical requirements for service. College was not where I wanted to be, at all. If I had my first choice though,  I would have been attending Michigan State, but I didn’t know anyone there. It would not have been Texas.

I didn’t know anyone in Texas very well either. I was the step kid, step grandkid, step cousin… The one they didn’t know very well.  At this point, my parents had only been married 4 years and we had only met the Texas family once. 

I moved in with my Aunt, started paying rent, got a job and enrolled in school. Criminal Justice. I wanted to be in law enforcement. Some of this no doubt was because I wanted to arrest stepmom for child abuse. I wanted to figure out a way legally to prosecute both of them; stepmom and father.  I was still thinking about those days as much as I didn’t want too.

Texas was ………….… a culture shock. No me gustaba mucho Texas.  I disliked it. I disliked the weather, I disliked the food, I disliked the Tejano music.  Everything was brown, there weren’t big evergreen trees, there were cockroaches and fire ants. Nope. Aside from the fact there were palm trees, this wasn’t quite the escape to paradise I had in mind. The only thing that made the transition better was older brother. He was at basic training at Lackland AFB. Now normally  it’s not like you can walk over and see them. You don’t get to see them until the day they graduate. But, me and older were schemers. We figured out a creative way to see each other. They had a church on base and anyone could go to it. He and a few friends would sit in the back and I would meet up with him and see him. Occasionally I would bring McDonalds and we’d all sit in the back of the church eating quarter pounders with cheese. Good times…. *smirk*.

I started losing weight, but it was purely accidental. I arrived in July so the weather was at its hottest during the year. I didn’t want to eat. All I wanted to do was lay around and drink water. I was miserable. I wanted to go back home.

I was hanging out with my cousins and their group of friends. I did consider them friends, but it was different.   I must admit it was fun initially, but I didn’t feel part of the group. It wasn’t because they weren’t trying to include me in things because they were, I just wasn’t old enough to drink.  When we went out I was usually playing designated driver.  We went to clubs, but as usual I was normally the wallflower. I didn’t really know how to act or be…. I felt odd and out of place; story of my life. Displaced….. was how I always felt. No fault of theirs. 

Within about 4 months, I had dropped almost 80 pounds. I was around 280 lbs or so. I was feeling better and was definitely moving around better.

I had a few friends in college. We didn’t exactly hang out after school or anything, but I had people to hang out with while I was there.  No lie, I had two friends; Venus and Zeus. What are the odds, seriously? In fact I thought both of them were pulling my leg until I made them show me their drivers licenses. *chuckle*.

I don’t remember the month, but it was in the fall. The cousins were having a big get together and I was invited out. This was the night I met Joe. There’s really nothing good about him so I won’t even try to describe him. He had too much to drink that night and I made a critical error in offering to give him a ride home. I thought he was harmless, just a drunk. He only lived a block or two from my Aunt so I didn’t have a problem dropping him off on my way home.

It’s amazing how quickly he sobered up because half way home he was almost fine. Talking up a storm, asking about me, my life. He said he wanted to show me this really cool rock formation and I was game. We drove down this long dark road for what seemed forever before we “got there”.

Sparing you some of the details, I had my first sexual experience there on that road and it was not invited.  He held his hand around my throat while he yelled at me for trying to fight him. All I could see were flashbacks. The yelling, the screaming, the getting hit. I decided it was safer just to lay there and not do anything.  He told me that if said anything to my cousins, he’d make it sound like it was all me. My cousins were all I had, so telling them wasn’t an option.  I didn’t want to be the one to cause drama, I didn’t people getting angry or upset. Certainly not because of me. I didn’t want any of that.

I had to be “fine”. I was fine. I would just pretend like it never happened. Physically you can hide anything, but you cannot hide emotions. Rage was all I felt. All I wanted to do was (pardon my french right now) give the world a big “fuck you”. 

I tried so hard. Can’t seem to get away from Misery. Man I tried so hard. Try to get away but trouble follows me. Hoping one day you’ll come rescue me, until then I will be posted up right here. 5 steps forward and 10 steps back……………….Akon”. 

Welcome to Texas Bean. Bean There.

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