I was fortunate enough to have my folks and one of my brothers in Minnesota for the first week after the move. It sure did make that first week a bit more comfortable. I took the first couple months off from the businesses so I could get acclimated and move in. I wanted some settle time.
The first real snow happened a few days after arrival. I was totally excited to see fresh snow so of course I ran outside. I felt like a kid; the air felt so fresh and clean. I didn’t even have a snow shovel yet! On my way to Home Depot, I got stuck in my driveway. I didn’t realize that plows come by at night, so you have to shovel the driveway BEFORE you get into the car. Note to self. I had to dig myself out that first time with a dirt shovel.
I was so used to wearing flip flops and tank tops that I didn’t even think about it when I went outside to get the mail. Don’t go outside without a coat. Note to self.
I did see all the nice snow blowers at Home Depot, and I thought to myself, “These sure are expensive. Do I really need one?” No. I was going to be brave and do the shoveling. I was excited to be part of Minnesota, and I was going to do the Minnesota thing……. Shovel. I came home and decided to start with the front sidewalk. I look around, and all my neighbors were out snow blowing. I could hear all the engines going, and I watched as the snow shot 30 feet in the air. It wasn’t until I got done with that sidewalk that I realized I was the only dumbass with a shovel. Made sense too, I was tired as hell, and I had a whole driveway to do. Hmpf. I didn’t last long without a snow blower.
I was given an ice scraper for a house warming gift but for days, I couldn’t figure out what the brush was for on the back of it. It was obvious what the scraper was for, but what about the brush? I literally had to watch my neighbors until I finally saw one of them using one of those brushes to sweep the snow off the car; clearing the big snow piles off the roof and hood. What do you know? I felt like I had discovered the coolest invention ever. A car brush.
I was discovering all kinds of new things. I thought that ice dams had something to do with beavers. In fact, when my realtor told me to be careful and watch for ice dams in the wintertime, I was horrified. I couldn’t figure out how those damn boogers got up on the roof. In Texas, we always had lots of possum and raccoons, so it didn’t dawn on me she was talking about ice melt off.
I also wondered why so many fishermen always talked about going to get some “crappie” fish. I couldn’t figure out why they’d fish for it if it tasted so shitty. I was a salmon girl myself. *shrug*
Within a couple weeks when the dust had settled a little bit I was still going through boxes here and there. I came across all the frames and albums full of Nick. Everywhere I looked I was seeing him. In pictures, old dried flowers, little things I had collected over the years. After the wedding had been called off, it was so painful for me to end that relationship that I threw myself into work and school. I had an epiphany. Well, of course I had gotten through the breakup. I had somehow managed to keep myself so busy that I never dealt with the loss. I was literally working so many hours the year previous that I didn’t allow myself to get bored. That was my solution to everything. When it became quiet in Minnesota, and my brain finally had a chance to slow down and start processing things, it opened a floodgate. It was like it had just happened and in those weeks, I was finally crying and feeling the pain. I almost couldn’t believe that I moved half way across the country and I moved to a place where I didn’t know anyone. I think I was in shock. I didn’t want to process it yet. I wasn’t ready. I went around and gathered every single picture, all of the photo albums and shoved them in every drawer and closet in the house that wasn’t being used. Out of sight out of mind. I started second guessing my decisions and as weeks turned into months, the days and nights got lonely. I missed my family.
I briefly explored getting a life coach but after the first session with her, she suggested therapy. I had always been tough on the exterior. I didn’t need therapy. Treatment means that we are broken. It’s a sign of weakness. Tucan Sam, you know what I’m saying? Only crazy people needed therapists. I didn’t want to be one of those people lying on a couch in some office. I thought to myself, “That’s them. I don’t need that shit. I’m fine“.
The pain got so bad I couldn’t breathe. My whole life was spinning and I couldn’t shut it off. It was almost sudden and out of nowhere. The video clips of my childhood wouldn’t shut off. They just kept playing over and over. I suddenly remembered things that I hadn’t remembered before. I kept seeing myself in that car that night with a hand getting held over my throat. I kept hearing Nick’s voice telling me that I was weak because I couldn’t get my weight off. I heard all of his pressures and the putdowns. I kept hearing his family tell me I wasn’t good enough. I kept seeing my wedding dress getting dangled over my head like a carrot. Twenty-five years of utter bullshit came knocking on my door when I moved here. A slow-moving tornado that made its way up onto my porch and rang the bell. I knew it would happen sooner or later to be honest.
I thought that running from trauma would make it go away. Maybe you’re reading this and you’re thinking gosh, this sounds like me? But I can tell you this…. Running from it does not help you feel better. In the short-run, you might not have to face the issues, but the cost in the long-run of unresolved trauma weighs more heavily than you might suspect. For me, it weighed a lot. Two hundred more pounds than my body wanted to carry, a lot .
You’re not weak for wanting to run away. You’re strong for having the guts to admit it.
Sooner or Later you must move down an unknown road that leads beyond the range of the imagination, and the only certainty is that the trip HAS to be made. – Bruce Catton
Bean There. And I was wearing my Bean Boots.
