Ninety days, I actually made it. The first couple weeks I wondered. The internal conversations in those early weeks weren’t pretty. They sounded a bit like “LOL….. you’re bat shit crazy”. After promptly removing 90 percent of what I was previously eating from my home, I had doubts this could be something long term. I mean what was I going to do without Pizza and Spaghetti? {{laughing}} I can remember that first week sobbing over lost pizza. Seems silly now.
Earning badges has become an aphrodisiac. When it doesn’t want to give me that last pound, I just want to shake the crap out of it. “Screw you digital bitch” and stomping out of the room has actually happened a few times *shrug* – that’s the truth of it.
I woke up this morning knowing I was close. I went through a rough night last night; feeling like you want to quit does happen. I wish I could say it doesn’t and everything is always wonderful all the time, but that’s just not how it is. I would never give up as I have come too far now, but the thoughts tend to take off on their own. I took a deep breath and walked out to the living room where my scale is, and I thought, “ok….. It’s just you and me”. The number flashed, and there it was – another badge.
It was right at the moment that I regretted feeling awful last night. I’m moving parts of my body that I haven’t moved, and frankly, it hurts. When I got back from training on Wednesday, I hurt so bad I could barely walk. It felt like that first day I started 90 days ago. That’s what happens when your legs haven’t moved in several years. Bottom line my trainer is teaching how to use my legs again, and they are fighting me. I’m going to a boot camp class next week, and I’m scared shitless, but I said I would go and I will be there. I need to learn to trust that the capability is there, I just haven’t done it yet. Anytime something is new, it can be scary.
I committed to working on my internal dialogue. I think that experiencing so many times of not being able to accomplish my fitness goals, it conditioned my mind to believe it’s not possible. Fixing that requires rewiring. I need to go stand in front of the mirror and tell myself… “look, I got you. Trust me”. Yea. That’s exactly what I need to do.
*walking to the bathroom mirror*
