Estimated reading time: 4 minutes

Some people show up quietly and then they never leave. They don’t ask questions or step into your story or demand anything. That was this person. They were a steady presence and watchful eye. Someone who became part of my regular orbit before I ever realized how much it mattered.

They showed up in small ways and sometimes in other ways that surprised me. Being seen and supported can be a pillar for someone, even if the person doing the seeing never realizes it. Some of the biggest compliments of my life came from this human. The kind that left me quiet for a second, unsure what to say next. What did I do to deserve it? They never made a big deal of it and they never tried to be more than they were. And I never mistook it for anything else. There was never anything else attached to it other than gratitude for a presence that difficult seasons more bearable, even when those seasons stayed off Instagram and on days that were way heavier than they looked.

Around Thanksgiving, gratitude caught up with me. I decided to send a card; just to say thank you. To say that being there mattered and that it helped in more ways they could ever know. I wrote it carefully, I sealed it with a wax stamp, even though the postman keeps telling me those get caught in the machines and stamps now cost double if I want to keep putting them on the envelope. I ask myself sometimes if the wax seal is worth it? It is.

I have sent thank you notes on that same stationery for years. To friends, colleagues, people who showed up when they didn’t have to. Never once did I think twice about it. Never once did it occur to me that a design detail could be misread. That tiny gold lettering on the back had always been nothing more than a a part of the envelope. Until suddenly, it wasn’t. I held it in my hands before I walked it down to the mailbox and there, in small gold letters, were the words: SMITTEN ON PAPER. It was just the brand name, but in that moment, logic didn’t matter.

 I didn’t want the wrong message sent or imply meaning where there was none. I opened the card, swapped envelopes, and let out a breath I did not realize I was holding. My intentions were protected. No wax seal this time either.

I sent it proud, and clear.

Two weeks later, it came back to me.

A thick stamp across the front read: ADDRESS NOT FOUND. It was the right address; a legitimate postal error and glitch in the machine. It wasn’t lost or delayed just ….came back.

The postal error was a mercy. It stripped away the illusion of the “Read Receipt.” We think that because we sent the message, it’s always delivered. We think that because it was delivered, it’s always understood. It forced me to realize that communication is always a leap into the dark. I said what needed to be said. The letter returning doesn’t undo the gratitude. It just means I am done carrying it.

I suppose some thank yous aren’t meant to be received. They are meant to be released. Perhaps the universe sent it back to remind me that the value of gratitude isn’t in the delivery, but in the capacity to feel it. The act of writing it was enough.

If you are carrying words you never got to send, I hope this season gives you permission to lay them down. You don’t need a receipt to prove your heart was in the right place.

Merry Christmas.