Day 188. 128 Pounds Lost.
My coach texted me last night and said: “Hey, let’s go for a bike ride tomorrow.” Without hesitation, I said, “hell yes”! The idea was exciting, but instantly I thought, “Shit, I need to see if I can still RIDE a bike.” They say once you learn you never forget, but I had a few moments where I thought… hmm. I pulled my bike out of the garage for the first time since I bought it nearly 4 years ago. I was really excited when I made the purchase, and I had the best of intentions, but my knee hurt too bad to ride it and back then I was far too self-conscious to let anyone watch me struggle. It was dirty and had cobwebs, but underneath all the dust, there was this shiny new bike just waiting to be loved.
I finished the ride this afternoon and instantly started crying when I realized, “hey, I just did it.” This was just one more activity that previously I had resigned myself to believe I would never get to do again. Each time I am able to do one more thing I gain a little more confidence to try something else. It sounds simple, but believe me when I say it’s a big deal. Though I watched from a window the last six years, my heart always craved the outdoors and adventure.
My ex-fiance and I went to Aspen years back, and I decided to go snowmobiling on the advanced trail. I wouldn’t even classify myself as an intermediate let alone advanced, but I took that trail anyway. We get up the side of this mountain, and the weather got windy and downright awful. Visibility was terrible, and I will admit, it did get pretty dicey for about 15 minutes. We got stuck, and I had to dig us out, however, once we got out of the rut, we slid back down, and we were fine. We get to the bottom of the hill, and I turned around, and my ex is physically shaking. He proceeds to yell and scream at me, telling me we could have been killed and that he could have died. In his moment of horror, I felt terrible, but all I could do was laugh because snowmobiles occasionally get stuck. It wasn’t that big of a deal. My experience at the bottom of the hill was nothing but laughing my ass off and pure excitement to go again. I dumped him off in the parking lot and went back up the hill. I know – I was kind of a jerk, right? For those 11 years that we were together, most outdoor activities went this same way. He’d either stay home or complain the whole time. I didn’t realize over the last 15 years how cooped up I have been. I stopped doing outdoor kind of stuff because he berated me when I did. He hated my flying lessons, hated the motorcycle, hated the fact I love shooting weapons. I lost touch with that person, and I see her again. She’s back! The girl that wasn’t afraid to die on the mountain is back! {{laughing}}}. I’m not sure if the lesson here is compatibility or living authentically. Perhaps both?
In any case, the bike ride opened up a floodgate in my heart again. I can do all the things that I ever wanted to do and not be afraid anymore. Why not try anything and everything? Yoga, stand up paddle boarding, kayaking, golfing, indoor and outdoor skydiving, hot air balloon ride, white water rafting, zip lining, parasailing, mountain biking, hiking (I can think of tons)….. I am going to do all these things – or…. At least try. LOL.
I really want the rest of my life to be about experiences. An adventure of a lifetime. I bought a ticket in January, and I’m never going back. First… I might just try riding my bike around Lake Calhoun. Never been there. I suppose its time.
Lovingly,
Bean<3
