And…. Of course, I need to journal how I’m feeling, or I might forget later. I know I will look back one day and remember “I did that”!
I survived my first day of Bootcamp but not before I sat in the bathroom shortly before class started wondering if I would throw up. Fight or flight response I suppose. I had worked myself into a ball of nerves thinking I wasn’t going to cut the mustard. I feel silly now….. because it wasn’t anything like the scenario I created in my head, but at the same time, it was every bit difficult and then some. Today’s lesson was “do what you can,” and I received a humbling dose.
I’m not sure what lead me to believe that I needed to walk in there and do everything perfect. For the first 20 minutes of class, I would silently panic every time something involved jumping or my knees having direct contact with the floor. The pain is so engrained that simple anticipation makes it awkward. On the flip side to that, there were times when I would flinch expecting pain, and there wasn’t any. I was lucky enough to have two voices beside me that reminded me to modify when needed. As I looked around, there were others that were modifying. I don’t know why I beat myself up like that because it wasn’t necessary. I really am quite mean to myself sometimes. It wasn’t about who was doing it faster or better. It was about doing MY best while continuing to move. When I would stop, I would hear the voices, “keep moving, just keep moving.” I truly think this is the reason I made it. Sometimes we all need those nudges. As much as I was not expecting them, I was lucky to receive them. To those two voices beside me today, I thank you. All anyone can do when they decide to show up is to do what they can. If I believed that’s all I needed to do, I would have shown up much earlier. Who knew? *stumped*
It’s been a few hours, and I’m back at home hobbling around. I’m hurting, but it feels good. A few months ago, this class would not have been a consideration. Had I been invited back then, I would not have shown up. That’s what feels incredible, and despite however amazing or terrible I may have done today it doesn’t even matter. I walked in the f-ing door, by myself……that’s what matters. Every single time I walk through those doors I feel a little more proud. I’m going to reward myself for the efforts, not the results. That’s the way it should be.
One final thought for the day. I doubt many of you will understand but here it is anyway. Good things shouldn’t feel like a struggle. Sometimes it’s okay just to decide to stick ideas or people into a little pink balloon and simply…. let go. I have one goal right now, that’s it. The rest – I surrender.
Consider this my moment to BREATHE.