Day 641. 237 lbs lost (as of Sep 14).
I realized I hadn’t written in this thing for a month, but I also noticed something else today. 641 days. It doesn’t seem like that long ago! I remember when I started and it honestly feels like a few weeks ago.
Forgive me for not writing, it been a busy month with 100 million emotions. Where to begin?
As many of you know I lost Yeti and my father on the same day; September 11. I was so distraught about my little muffin that I didn’t even have time to think about my father until several days later. When the dust from Yeti’s passing settled, I had some time to think about my father. There’s a part of me that wished I had something to add. I wish that I could remember happy times and this wonderful father but I don’t. I wish there were a time when I could remember being “daddy’s girl,” but I don’t. So much of what happened to me when I was a child was something I put behind me years ago so when he finally did pass away, I wasn’t sure how to feel. My father never said he was sorry. In fact, for most of my life, I wondered whether or not he even admitted that he had a daughter. It’s hard to desire a relationship that never really was. It’s hard to feel sorry and mourn a loss for someone you simply don’t remember very well. Whatever answers that I never received died along with him and part of whatever wishing I might have had deep down went away as well. Both him and Shelly are now gone, and I am at peace.
About a week after Yeti passed away, I received a phone call telling me there was a tiny boy in need of a home; the last of the litter if I was interested. My heart was broken. Initially, I didn’t know if I wanted another dog. I told them I would consider it. However, I committed the cardinal sin….. I asked for his picture. That was all she wrote. I welcomed Kodiak, an 8-week old Yorkiepoo into my home and he has kept me hopping ever since.
A week later, I received a phone call asking me if I was interested in flying out to be part of the CrossFit Team Series. I didn’t hesitate and said yes immediately! However, when I got off the phone, it hit me what I just committed to doing. Doing a workout in your own box around people you know is much different than taking a national stage and doing it in front of everyone, – Live to top it off. I was so nervous I wanted to vomit. The anxiety was pretty intense because the only thing I kept thinking about was the possibility of the common types of horrible comments I see on the live feeds. There are many people out there that aren’t very nice, and I’m not sure why I do it to myself every time, but I always expect the worst. The worst isn’t what happened. I will save that for tomorrows post.
However, that brings me to my point for tonight. My body has made quicker changes than my mind. I was ridiculed and made fun of most of my life, so this is what I anticipate. I brace for it. I always think that I am going to be treated differently because I WAS treated differently. I always anticipate dirty looks and stares because those are the looks I got so used to seeing. When you spend a lifetime dealing with these things, they aren’t feelings that go away overnight.
Every time in the journey where it got really uncomfortable, it was because I firmly believe there was a lesson. It was a door that I needed to walk through despite whatever fears or anxiety that I had. Every time I listened and followed despite my fear, something really amazing happened. And it did.
As far as my feelings, I know these old feelings are a part of my life I need to let go. I am not that person anymore and its okay to burn that ship……
Cut the ties
Send a flare into the night
Say a prayer
Turn the tide
Dry your tears and wave goodbye
Lovingly,
Bean
