Day 1065. 225 lbs lost (as of 2-2)
Many of you didn’t know me on December 26, 2016, when I was in my kitchen wondering how many hydrocodone it would take to fall asleep and not wake up. I didn’t know how to climb this astronomical mountain in front of me. How does one go about losing 300+ pounds? It was more than my mind could process. Most of my closest family didn’t even know.
You didn’t know me on November 16, 2002, when I lost a tiny piece of heaven, and I thought I would never recover. He was pale blue, but he was my boy. I watched him breathe for 17 minutes, and it was something I couldn’t bare to talk about for nearly a decade because it hurt that much.
My life has been filled with many of those moments, as I am sure yours have too. We all experience trauma, and times so dark that we fear we will not be able to pull ourselves out of it. Some don’t…., but some of us do. We scratch, and we paw our ways to the top of that pit that we were thrown in. Our fingernails are raw from the climbing, thrashing about, and our throats are sore from screaming out in agony. But somehow, we made it out of that pit. Do we function the same? No. We carry those wounds with us. Some of those wounds heal, and some do not. They can either fester and tear us down – or we can take the pain and find somewhere in our hearts to put it so that we can move forward.
I know pain, and I understand it just as much as anyone, but without my hands and paper or my computer, I have trouble finding words of comfort when people are hurting. Maybe its because I have known hurt and sometimes I know there is nothing I can say that will take it away, but I am more than willing to sit with anyone. I don’t always know what to say, but I will sit with you in it.
But here’s what I know as well. We have choices. We have all been thrown into pits. We can choose to stay there, or we can make a choice. It’s not a fun one and its not easy, but it’s a decision.
It’s damn hard waking up every day and grinding the way I am. Some days are not fun, and I get frustrated with the best of them. But I refuse to accept a pit. I can’t stop the storms that throw me in them…. but I can sure make a decision that I am not going to stay there. If someone else chooses to remain in that pit – I will love you, but I can’t comfort you there.
It took me so many years to be proud of who I am. To love myself enough to go for whatever was going to make me happy. That is a path. If someone doesn’t choose the same path as I do – it doesn’t mean that I love you less. It means I will love you as I continue to push on. Forge forward. I will look in on you, I will watch you from a distance and love you just as much.
I’ve been criticized for my path. But God gave me the smile I wear now. He helped pull me out of some of the most bitter shit you can imagine. He made me strong. He gave me a purpose. And THAT is what drives me.
Friday night thoughts – purpose only comes when we make conscious decisions that our lives are worth it. Love me on my path – and I will love you on yours. They don’t have to be the same.
Until then – I have and will always love. With all my heart.