Day 210. 142 pounds lost.
I am realizing more and more that living authentically and fearless means that we need to get rid of our dependencies. It also means embracing change and just letting go. Fear be damned.
This last week has been filled with all kinds of changes; my schedule was a top priority. I am a morning person. I like to get up early and end my work day around 3:00 pm so I can balance the rest of my day with personal things. Life is about balance in my opinion, and when you work from home, this can be especially important. I’ve had to work very hard drawing lines between work and home life. That’s hard when it’s all done in one place. The 9:30 am boot camp class every day was slicing into my core productivity time. Going to the gym doesn’t mean I’m losing the 60 minutes of class time, I’m losing almost 3 hours with travel time. I can get away with doing that maybe twice a week but not five without it affecting my work. I moved to a 5:30 am class twice a week which opened up two mornings. I still have two 9:30 boot camps, but I also switched to an early evening 1 on 1 training which also opened up the third morning for me. However, this meant switching to a new coach. It was a decision I struggled with for the better part of two weeks, but it has to be what works for me.
Every day this week I woke up with this undeniable feeling that it’s time to think about some other changes; my home is starting to feel like one of those things. For all the reasons I loved my home when I bought it are starting to
weigh me down mostly because the purpose it served doesn’t serve the same purpose today. It was my protection from a very cruel world the heavier I got, but as time went on, it also became my prison. I accumulated “stuff” because this was my sanctuary. That same stuff that made me feel safe has now become clutter.
If I dug around, I’d find defunct credit card statements and notes from stories written nearly a decade ago. And then there are the personal items: the crusty bouquet of dried roses I’ve kept for more than 15 years (a relic from my ex-fiance), the giant stack of criminal justice policy books now gathering dust in the corner, the endless piles of birthday cards and letters. I’ve hung onto far more objects than I need, and, instead of motivating me, they have become talismans of guilt and shame. How many things do I need to hold onto before it starts controlling my life? It already is. All of my possessions were tied to my self-worth. I’ve had trouble getting rid of anything that serves as a tangible reminder of my accomplishments. Somehow in my head, all my “stuff” represented how successful my life was. I don’t feel the same way anymore, and I didn’t realize my clutter is causing actual stress which is why I want to spend more and more time away from it. Getting rid of things can be scary.
At the same time, although I love my home, every day there is a stronger urge to move onto something different. This place captured all of my heartache and tears, and in a way, it feels like it’s time to release it. The idea of relocation has less to do with convenience as much as it has to do with personal evolution. I was so ready for a different life that I didn’t realize my heart would want things different on all levels. Perhaps I simply feel different.
Whether it’s a relocation or simplification – one or the other is going to happen if not both. I’m not interested in having a true minimalist lifestyle, I am more interested in having a limitless lifestyle. My accomplishments aren’t going to be tied to “things.” I am finding myself this year and realized I am good enough as is. I will continue this journey in the next few weeks purging anything that I don’t need, or that doesn’t serve me. I really have to challenge myself here. It’s part of the journey. And…. I need to do it #fearlessly.
Lovingly,
Bean
