My heart felt like it was feeling peace for the first time. Some of the old walls started cracking – ones that would eventually tumble down; piece by piece. It was very slow in the beginning but within the year I could talk about my stepmom and father to just about anyone without cracking. My feelings came from a place of peace with it. I let the notion go that I would ever understand what happened to me and I really did give it God. I didn’t want to carry it anymore. I still cried from time to time about it and one night I just told him I had enough. I said “here, you take this because I don’t want it anymore”. Call it whatever you want but it didn’t sting anymore after that. I always heard my pastor saying “give your problems to God”. There was a part of me, new in my faith, that didn’t quite believe that it would work. But it did.
I think about stepmom today and I don’t feel any more anger towards her. I believe that either she was abused when she was young or she wrestled with her own issues. I am okay not knowing what they were. In fact, it’s probably best I don’t. I think the way she treated me was a very vocal cry for help that back then nobody understood…. Or heard for that matter. I can’t get back what she took from me, but I do try every day to live the way that kid should have gotten too.
I don’t care how old we are, we still have every right to go out there and do every crazy thing we’ve ever wanted. There is no timetable for me when it comes to marriage or kids. In many ways I feel I was a late bloomer. There is no biological clock ticking yet and I have no strong desire to have children yet. I realize I am getting older, but I am also okay with the idea of adopting children in the foster system should I accidentally wait too long. There are millions of kids who are taken out of homes just like the one I grew up in and they deserve all the love the in the world.
When I think of my father today I accept that his purpose was to give me life and that might have been the only thing when it comes to me. It took me a long time to be okay with that. Every child wants to be accepted by their parents. Nobody wants to be thrown away like garbage or feel like they were. When I prayed all those years ago to send me a dad, I firmly believe that God heard me and answered me. I looked at it as his way of saying; “Bean, I know you got a bad shake, but this is what I’m going to do for you.” God made it right. I struggled all those years feeling like I needed to be accepted and wanted by my father but in reality, you can’t receive if the love is not given. Love doesn’t come from those incapable. I chose to love him for all of his weakness and failures as a father. I don’t speak to him, but I did ask God to watch over him. I am at peace.
Forgiveness, which is something I mentioned a couple blog posts ago doesn’t come easy. Is it possible to forgive child abuse? Well, let’s start with the word. Forgiveness is often misunderstood. We are all taught the principles of “forgive and forget”. When you forgive someone, it’s not a sign of weakness. You are not condoning the behavior. I was a prisoner and I walked around with a lot of hate. When you forgive someone, you set that hate free. I acknowledged what they did and allowed myself the time to be angry and hurt. In the end, I can say forgiveness isn’t something that you give someone else. You will never forget a wrong. Forgiveness is the gift you give yourself.
My first three and half years here were some of the hardest emotionally I have ever been through. When the walls started coming down and things became clearer, something became painfully apparent. All this emotional baggage showed up on my ass. But…….as I look back on that three-year journey, I wouldn’t trade any of it. Damnit, I really wouldn’t.
The next big job was to tackle me. I saved the best for the last. I had made a real mess of myself physically. Ugg… I had a cleanup work ahead of me. But you know what? I’m grateful. I’m grateful for everything life has taught me since being here. It got me where I am right now.
So … here’s to being “here”.
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