Day 222. 145 pounds lost.
For whatever reason, I knew when I woke up this morning that today would be the day. The purging in my home continues, and I knew that I needed to attack the boxes in the bottom of the stairwell. I had tried to do it before, but as soon as I would open the door, I would feel tears so the door would be quickly shut. Some of the clutter in my home is not so much what you can see. It’s the ions and ions of boxes that are stacked in every closet and storage area. However, these boxes were different…… I let out a big sigh, and I was already crying before I opened them, but it was time.
I have talked about my 11-year relationship many times, but these boxes were filled with wedding things; a wedding that I chose to walk from three months before it happened. In December of 2009 when I decided to walk, everything that had been accumulating for the wedding was put into storage bins and taped up around the edges. They made the trip with me from Texas and subsequently got put in the basement when I moved in. There’s a part of me that wonders if this was the reason I didn’t like spending any time down there. Deep down I knew there was one of the biggest disappointments of my life staring at me every time I had to change my AC filter. Dealing with this loss was the catalyst of my weight gain. I had already put on about 50 pounds by the time I arrived, but another 120 would pile on.
*walks away from the laptop so she can compose herself again*.
As I cut the duct tape from the first box, my heart was in knots. “Athena, you can do this,” I whispered to myself.
When the lid was removed, I sat there staring blankly at the neatly packed box full of all of the little things that I had poured my heart into. Extra Invitations, card labels, table cards, favors, menu cards….. all of the accessories for the ceremony and reception. Even the cake toppers that were meticulously picked because both people were on the phone; a representation of our life at that time. He was a lawyer, I was a business owner, and we lived our lives on the phone it seemed. Those little cake toppers didn’t seem so funny anymore.
I only ended up keeping one item from these boxes; a pair of white silk flats with ballerina laces. For whatever reason I still loved them.
I kept all of these things because I hoped that someday I would get married. Perhaps there was a part of me that thought if I got rid of everything that wouldn’t happen so rather than get rid of this stuff back in 09’ I thought it would be better if I just clung to them. It wasn’t healthy. When that time comes again, then all the planning needs to be fresh with the person that will be forever. New colors, new memories. I can’t start something new if I am clinging to something old.
Getting past yesterday demands both thinking and doing. It’s things we do as well as things we think that hold us unwittingly in a painful place. At its deepest level, the prospect of letting go forces us up against our three strongest emotional drivers: love, fear, and rage.
I have found since being here that loving someone again was possible, but at the same time, God told me it wasn’t up to me. Surrendering and fully trusting in HIM is hard. I will love anyway, but most importantly, I will trust. It’s really just a matter of trust, isn’t it……