Smoke Clears | Week 56 Weight Loss

Day 392. 193 pounds lost.

For the record, weight loss is not linear. In previous months, I would drop a pound or two and then a week would go by with nothing. Then all the sudden there would be a 5-pound loss, BOOM…. Then nothing. I had a goal to lose ten pounds in January to keep on target for a September goal weight. I achieved 4 of those 10 pounds. Ten pounds was doable.  The smoke has cleared from my brutal month of January, so ….. confession time.

*Enter stage left*…. I’d like to introduce you to a friend of mine. His name is Peanut Butter; the fresh-ground Fresh Thyme variety. I know it would surprise many of you to know that he and I had an intimate relationship this month.  We’ve known each other for quite some time, but I only saw him once or twice a week until January.

He started coming around at the beginning of the month when I was a little bummed. I was vulnerable {{laughing}}. It’s entirely possible there was a part of me that felt burnt out and spent. It was a solid year of grinding, and I think the mental part of it finally got to me. I thought I was invincible, but I was tired, and a part of me got lazy. Instead of making meals I would grab things that were quick. Peanut Butter gives me a quick fix when I need it, so it became my go-to.  There were some considerable changes in January with regards to my career and clients, and I was distracted, stressed,  nervous, and tired for several weeks while the changes occurred. Coffee…. And especially Peanut Butter became my two best friends during this transitional two-week period.

It started out with a tablespoon here or there. I liked Peanut Butter, and I wanted to see more of him. My visits with him became more frequent because I got lazy and wasn’t cooking anymore. I introduced carrots to him, my celery to him. Pretty soon, all my foods knew Peanut Butter.  I was excited, after all – Peanut Butter was getting along with my entire food family. It was love, I was sure of it.

We developed an emotional connection because I always made sure I had a pint of it at all times. I was buying 2-3 a week. I was mortified when I came home one day from the gym and discovered that Peanut Butter was gone! I looked at Goomba, “Where the hell is all my peanut butter? You ATE it ALL!” Goomba doesn’t eat Peanut Butter so suddenly…… I realized……. I was the one that ate it all. I had a real problem here. I was busting my ass all week at the gym, eating healthy everywhere else and I wasn’t earning my badges. WHAT IN THE HELL was going on? Peanut butter has ALWAYS been go-to, and I added nothing else to my diet.  I wasn’t eating cake or cookies or pizza?! The realness is this: I ate 4 pints of peanut butter in two weeks. Too much of a good thing can yes, be a bad thing. Yep. I fell off the wagon.  There – I admitted it. I don’t want to know how many calories are in 4 pints of Peanut Butter but I will tell you this: this is why I wasn’t earning my badges.  It took two weeks, but I realized we needed to break up. *sigh*….. I know, it’s been rough.  

Here’s the deal for the rest of you.  Most people who try to change problem behaviors — whether it’s overeating, overspending, alcohol whatever— will slip at least once. For starters, I’m not going to berate myself for making a wrong decision. Hey, I made a mistake. What can I do differently next time? How can I learn from this? You will always have triggers, and for me, it is during times of stress. Listen, everybody stumbles at some point. Can you “fail fast” and then hop back on the ride again? If you are going to keep moving forward, you must. Commit to it……….Or feel sorry for yourself. Accept personal responsibility for your shit. What are you afraid of? Admitting you’re human?  When the smoke cleared, I discovered I’m still right here…. heading in the same direction as when I started. One day… at the time. We ride the highs and lows, that’s what we do.

Lovingly,

Bean