Sixty days! Well, a few days ago anyway. It’s hard to believe it has been that long already! In my waking hours time can tend to drag by. But when I look back to where I started it feels like yesterday. Funny how that works.
This marks the first in my life where the goal didn’t involve someone else. I spent 11 years with someone that kept telling me they would love me more if I got down to a size 12. God, it nearly drove me insane. I didn’t realize the emotional impact this had until I had time to look back and reflect. I didn’t look back because I was interested in going backward. To the contrary, it was merely a comparison to how it felt back then versus now…. and what a difference. There is no fear that I will disappoint if I don’t get to a certain pound by a certain day. No fears that someone is paying attention to what I’m eating so they can monitor it like a police officer. No fears about what he’s going to say when I can’t run on the treadmill. My life was severely controlled – not physically but with fear and pressure. It took me a long time to figure out that love didn’t work like this. Love is not control or fear. Not by other people or even ourselves.
The last several months have been very healing for me. If anything, it has given me the time to work on myself but also to learn how to LOVE myself. It was a foreign concept to me. There is this old cliché phrase that says, “to love others, we must first learn to love ourselves.” It’s true. It really is.
I think I let my weight go because I was scared of the process. Working on ourselves, learning to love ourselves, learning not to be judgemental of ourselves is difficult. I wasn’t quite sure I wanted to learn all these things about myself. Who was she? What did she like? What does she not like? I was scared that it might be me that I secretly hated. As it turned out, it wasn’t me I hated. In fact, I didn’t hate anything or anyone. I let self-talk that began as a child become my truths. “I would never lose the weight,” “I would always be heavy” – these things became my truths. When something becomes your reality, it becomes like concrete; it’s not going anywhere.
This time has given me my life back. I know that I cannot control everything that happens, but I can control how I react and decisions that I make. This time has given me the clarity on who I want to be for myself and others. It has also given me clarity on who the right person is for me. Who I want by my side long term.
I don’t know his name yet, but I know he exists. He’s not perfect, but in ways, he’s a lot like me. He’s close to his family, he loves unconditionally, he has a grateful heart, he takes pleasure in small things. He’s not a superhero, but he sure completes my fairytale. And…… he loves me, just for me. I deserve that. Oh yes….. and he must like dogs.
I want something just like this. So here it is, I am sending it out to the cosmos.