Day 165, 117 pounds lost.

So today, I hypothetically stumbled across a tree in the middle of the damn road. I suppose it doesn’t have to be the kind of tree that blocks the road permanently. We’ll call it a branch, but it was certainly too big for my tire to run it over today. I needed a little time to strategize how I was going to get around it. I won’t lie and say my first reaction wasn’t F**K ME.

F************kkk@*#(&@*(&#*@y#*.

I will be honest, when I started this journey, I never saw myself in a CrossFit type of gym. In fact, I never saw myself outside of a pool…….or off the couch. The fact I go to one of these types of gyms brings a certain level of pride. Not to mention that the people that go there inspire me. I often watched them throwing themselves up over a bar or taking off outside on a run. I marvel at their athletic ability; some of it is just downright impressive.  I never felt bad that I couldn’t do those things because I always knew that my day would come. 

My legs have been hurting since last week. I didn’t understand any of it because I just got injections. They should have been bionic by now, and they aren’t. I had new X-rays taken, and this morning I got an email notification that they were available and a message from my doctor asking for a 9:30 telephone conference. *Gulp* – he wanted to talk on the phone? This couldn’t be especially pleasant news…*slightly panicked*. 

Readers Digest version: The injections are as good as they are going to get. Essentially there was a small improvement, but for the most part, there will always be discomfort FOREVER. It’s not going to fix itself by getting more weight off (at least this is what they say). The chance that I might have 95% normal function when all the weight is off diminished today and with that brought a flow of tears. Despite the fact that running doesn’t look like that much fun, I wanted to learn. When everyone goes running out the door, I wanted to be able to say I was going to be one of them. The huge horse pill I’m trying to swallow today is the fact I did it to myself. There was simply too much on the right side for too long. I waited too long. 

There was a wise man at the gym today during my training that figuratively wiped my tears for me and reminded me that there is always a way around it and that I needed to get back on the deck and keep trying. I can still walk, row, lift…. I have to accept there could be some limiting activities, but I can still try anyway. Im going to prove these docs are wrong.  I accept the challenge. 

This process is hard. It’s damn hard some days. *wiping tears*. I’m not going to be Willy Wonka and sugar coat it today. Sometimes it sucks ass. But…. I’m going to throw my smile back on tonight so I’m good for tomorrow and try to figure out how to move this branch. I’m going to show them this CAN be done. Cooperating leg or not.

Lovingly, 

Bean.