Day 263. 164 pounds lost.
It sounds silly but sometimes I can’t find the right song, or I can’t think of the right analogies to express how I feel so I walk from the post or inspiration that day. And then there are days like today when I think to myself, “screw it, whatever comes out will be what comes out.” They say you don’t have to write about everything, but I’m not exactly what you’d call “emotionally deprived.” Part of the journey is to get it out so I can move on and this little place in the world is where I do that.
The last few days have been hard. I’ve had a fairly regimented training schedule these last 6 months and having to sit it out while my foot heals creates a lot of anxiety for me. I want to keep moving, and I strongly dislike the idea of something getting in my way. But…. at the same time I acknowledge this is the only body I have and despite how much I previously abused it, I need to take care of it. The entire left side of my body is banged up and hurting from Saturday but its feeling better tonight. Routine is important in my life right now because it keeps me on track, so I’m looking forward to getting back to the grind.
This is my third down day but not a total loss because I have had lots of reflection and thinking time. I pray a lot for those of you who don’t know, and I constantly look for answers. I believe sometimes the answers come in the form of inspiration or from other people. God can use people just as he can use thoughts or things. My guide is always this: “does it feel good or does it feel bad.” Good always comes from above. If something feels bad, it’s not the answer.
Overall I am joyful about my life. I am finding exhilaration in how far I have come and where my life is taking me, but there was one issue that has been plaguing me for months. I’ve overthought it, I’ve cried about it, and I have struggled with it. I am a walking mess of flaws and weaknesses that pull me down all the time. Perhaps one of the most agonizing flaws I have is one that’s so deeply rooted in empathy that it’s painful to even acknowledge it as a weakness at all: I am drawn to people for the potential I see in them or something I think I can help with. I want to save them; from a situation or from themselves. It’s not that I believe I am gifted or that I possess some great power; more of an inclination to extend to those close to me. I can be as strong as a lion, but for those of you who know me best, you know that I think with my heart and not my head. Loyalty and commitment teach us that we are not to walk away from people that we love. Every religion out there teaches us to love without expectation. There are a lot of belief systems about love, and I question them often; hence my struggles.
I have been tested multiple times this year and with those challenges provided the opportunity for me to learn. I have lived my life openly, but I have felt pain. The heart can take a long time to heal, but I’m grateful for all of it, but I do not want to duplicate mistakes of my past.
With this said, I prayed Sunday night as I often do. Long story short I prayed that I could get the courage to move forward and find some sort of balance that was healthy for me. On Monday I was contacted by a random stranger that I didn’t know who owns a blog. For some reason, he was compelled to send me a post he wrote some time ago. Part of the title was……..”Let it Go”. It was a blaring answer to my prayers, and I found it too coincidental to be random. This is just how God works. It was exactly what I needed at the right moment.
I have a feeling I will be traveling to Nantucket soon. Possibly this weekend or next weekend. I have unfinished business that I need to do, and I will share this later. But the work I need to do requires a beach, a few balloons, and the sound of water. Nantucket is my favorite place in the world, and this is where it needs to be done. I have always believed that some of the best mind work is done in the place that brings you the most joy. For me, it is this tiny island off the coast of Massachusetts.
This process is teaching me to be brave, and I am learning to be bold. Because of this, I am discovering parts of myself that I never knew existed. Letting go, I am learning is one of the best things I can do for myself. Letting things go is a like holding a balloon; you release, and you watch it go wherever the wind is going to take it. It doesn’t mean you don’t love that balloon but some things weren’t meant to be held onto. In the meantime, the show must go on because that’s what life is about. My journey is only part of the way done, and I have a long way to go. For the rest of the trip, I need it to feel different. While it takes varying amounts of time, everyone finds their breaking point, that moment when enough becomes enough. It’s growth, and I find value in every experience…. Everyday.
Lovingly,
Bean
