Day 278. 167 Pounds lost.
I realized after I came back from Nantucket that it’s emotionally harder to come home than to go away. I’ve had this fire in me since I got back that I haven’t been able to express to anyone, including myself and it frustrated me. My heart yearned for so long to try new things, travel, and meet new people, but whenever I tried to express that, words fell flat. When I was finally able to do that, the idea of coming home just made me feel “BLAH.” The routineness of my life exhausts me. Don’t get me wrong I love the journey, but I definitely hit a small burnout just before I left. Coming back and trying to find that balance of life and grind has been difficult. There are days recently when I would awake normal time and lay there and go PLAHHHH!*$&#*$&#, which isn’t normal. I’m always excited to go to the gym, but there have been a few days where I simply said, “fu** it.” This normally happens when the loss on the scale comes to a halt which it has. It’s been the same for almost two weeks now which can be a bit frustrating. But, as I have learned many times in the past, this isn’t a true indication of progress. Inches are still coming off and its reflecting in the new clothes I just bought. I just hit another size down which bring my total sizes lost now to ten. One more size down and I’ll be back down where I floated for the better part of my adult life.
Last week is a bit of a blur now. I have been very contemplative lately. I didn’t understand all the reasons for the last minute run to the ocean, but as the days have unfolded, I realized two very important facts. I love traveling; in fact, it’s probably one of my favorite things to do. The second thing was that new memories were formed and it was more important than I realized. Replacing old memories of a location with new ones somehow enabled me to take that place back as MINE. In a weird sense, it allowed me to reclaim one of my joys in life, or as I would say it, I reclaimed my “I used to’s” which I think was a necessary part of the journey. I get to pick and choose the things I used to love and either reclaim them as my own or dump them for something new. A number of my “I used to’s” are well on their way to being fully resurrected as a constant presence in my life and it makes me happy. I’m quite sure this was the reason I needed to go.
I lived in such a heavy body for so long that I had forgotten some of those “I used to’s.” Some of those things included travel, flying, riding a motorcycle. I used to consider myself a ride-or-die kind of chic but have since discovered this is merely selflessness that borders on insanity. Will I pick riding up again? Indeed……..
Speaking of “I used to’s.” I was upstairs the other day putting laundry away and realized there were two drawers on my built-in dresser I hadn’t opened since I moved in. My first thought was, “Hey I have lots of extra space down there.” I pulled open one of the drawers and discovered a treasure trove. It was an entire drawer jammed packed with a little lace, a little satin, a little silk…..I pulled one of these things out of the drawer, and I thought, … “oh my god, I used to be a freak.” How could I have forgotten how amazing these little things used to make feel. This might be one of those “I used to’s” that I keep. In fact, I might have to expand my collection. Losing 167 pounds so far isn’t just about my physical body changing, it’s about how I feel in my body. Man, I feel like a woman. And I…. FREAKING….. LOVE IT.
{{laughing}}.
Lovingly,
Bean
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