Camouflage | Week 41 Weight Loss

Day 281. 168 pounds lost.

This isn’t something I thought I would write about but because I promised transparency on this journey, I will.

I haven’t been feeling myself lately. Putting my finger on what it is has been hard. Some days I feel great and energized, and then other days like today, I feel a bit more reserved than normal.  Over the last nine months, I have set realistic expectations, I congratulate myself for meeting the challenges of all the little goals I have set along the way, and I fearlessly face the next challenge, whatever it may be. I don’t think I’ve done it perfectly, but I have no reason to feel bad about where I am. Yet at times, I do.  I was elated the day I found my satiny treasure trove, but that didn’t last too long *sigh*. pphhlhlhlh.  

It was about two weeks ago. I’m in the bathroom looking at my jawline and doing my morning facial routine. I noticed a divet on my neck that kind of resembled a dimple. I thought, “that’s kind of weird, what is that?” Long story short it’s a bit of loose skin on my neck that I can actually pull a little bit. I wondered if it would shrink up as the weight continued to come off. I didn’t think much of it this particular day.

A few days later I’m in front of that mirror again, except this time I noticed when my arms are flat against my sides, there is a little bulge on my arms; loose skin that appears when the arms are in an at rest state. Additionally a few hours later I’m sitting at my desk with my hand on the mouse, and I look down at the inner part of my elbow and notice a little fold of skin just above the inner part of my elbow. Obviously, gravity was at work, but it was a little pocket of loose skin you can see when the arm is relaxed. My eyes started welling up with tears because I’ve worked my ass off to try and avoid this as much as possible. It bothered me so bad (thank god I was home alone) I walked into my dressing room, tore off all my clothes and I’m looking at myself in my full-length mirror. The right leg, which probably suffered a little bit of atrophy when I was chair bound, is also developing a small pocket of loose skin in the inside of my thighs. I had a meltdown in my dressing room that morning, and it has bothered me for two weeks now. I cried and a spouted out a few sentences that sounded a bit like FUCK ME@!I*#@*&#*@

I hadn’t thought too much about loose skin;  it’s not huge amounts but enough for me to notice. I will admit I have been lucky so far; everything seemed to be shrinking back the way it was supposed too… but……….. not everywhere.

I’m not 100% certain I’ve gotten over the horror of seeing these little “pockets” of loose skin, and it seems like I only stumbled on another unpalatable truth. I now realize that losing the weight was only half the battle. Just the concept of measuring the monumental hard work I’ve already put into this against the prevalence of inevitable excess skin has done a bit of spirit-crushing. I just fucking lied. It was a hammer to my heart. It’s causing a bit of anxiety when I think about it.

Additionally, resisting the ever-present temptations of unhealthy food takes a mental toll, as it requires considerable willpower and it has involved missing out on activities. Although I am strong, I’m not wonder woman. Sometimes it’s easier just to stay away from it than to risk getting off track.

I’m not going to let this derail my confidence although there have been a few times in the last two weeks that it’s gotten close. “These flaws I’ve got……. there just going to be a part of who I am” ~ Brandy, Camouflage, 2008.

I will own them.

Lovingly,

Bean