Day 216. 144.5 pounds lost.
When I first moved to Minnesota, I chose a large home because I was busting at the seams in a 1400 square foot home in San Antonio. I needed some damn space! Or….. at least that’s what I thought. I get all moved in and realized now I had lots of space. Consequently, I did what most people would probably do; I started filling in the empty spaces. Any place that seemed empty, I filled the hole. Looking back, I was filling empty spaces because my life was empty. The sadness and loneliness I felt here for the first 6 years were indescribable. I felt if I created a filled up sanctuary, it would help me forget about how miserable I was. I missed my family and friends, and unbeknownst to me, “things” started taking the place of what I really desired, and that was “connection.”
Now we are in 2800 square feet, busting at the seams. Now, I’ve seen “Hoarders” and it’s nothing like this, but there is too much shit for one person. Many things are sentimental; I always believed if I got rid of something the memory of that day would somehow disappear too. When you are lonely, struggling and isolated, you cling to everything that reminds you of better days or the people that you love and miss. This is what I did.
I was nervous about a visitor to my home tonight. They specialize in “decluttering” if you will. I was scared because there was a part of me that was wondering if I was ready to do this. It’s almost as if I needed someone to give me permission. I wanted them here because I was considering selling my home. Proper staging is necessary, but for me, it’s more of a real life episode of “Love it or List it.” Though I haven’t committed to selling my home just yet, I needed to get to the root of what’s going on in my heart about my home. Do I truly want to move or is this a case of my home got to be too filled with shit I didn’t need, and now I am overwhelmed and want a do-over. There are other things though. I walk into the living room sometimes and look at my couch, and I cry. It’s not a couch. It was a bed for almost a year and a half when walking up my stairs hurt too bad, and the height of my bed got too high for my legs to get me up onto it. For a year and a half, the only reason I went up the stairs was to work in my office. I closed the door to my bedroom, and the room went undisturbed….kind of like “Sleeping Beauty.” It was almost frozen in time. Everything was untouched and had an inch of dust when I was finally able to shake the dust from the curtain that goes across my massive bed back in March. The couch is a constant reminder of that horrible pain I felt. Even though I feel like a different person, it’s a constant reminder of that life. It’s becoming unhealthy for me. There are many, many things in my house just like that couch. There’s nothing wrong with it, but it needs to go. Did I block half of my windows on purpose? I am starting to wonder now whether I did and didn’t know. I didn’t want anyone to see me, so it makes perfect sense.
The formal episode of “Bean’s Love it or List it” starts tomorrow when the upstairs master gets all the carpet ripped out and new floors put in. I was going to do it when I moved in, but it got too hard. I finally get to see that happen. I will start up there and work my way down to the basement. I’m sure it’s going to take some time because we are going to be doing all the deferred maintenance as we go. I will rearrange, brighten things up, paint if I need too, and get rid of anything that’s not a part of my life anymore. I need the weight of the last 6 years gone – on more than one level. This is not about me just losing weight, it’s so much more than that. It has literally changed me on every level.
There is another reason. I need to make room for someone else if that is what I desire which it is. I’ve always been a huge believer in the law of attraction. I don’t mean physical, it’s more spiritual. Whatever you think about, you bring about. There is no room for a family in my home. There is only enough room for me based on the amount of crap I have. If a family is what I desire to be a part of my life, that’s not going to happen. Spiritually, I need to clear the way for things to find me. I’m going to trust God on this one because it’s what I’m being told to do.
In John 15:1-5, Jesus compares Himself to a vine and God to the gardener: “[God] cuts off every branch that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit He prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. Remain in me…”
One more step in my journey and I know I was made for moments like this. There is nothing to fear…
Lovingly,
Bean
