Day 256. 162 pounds lost.
I received another Instagram message today; a simple congratulations for my successes and as always, I’m appreciative. The message talked about my “steady progress.” I want to address this because I think you need to understand what success really looks like. On the surface yes, I suppose you can look at all the images and see steady progress, but this picture is what success really looks like. It can be somewhat chaotic. The journey is not exactly a straight line. It has highs, lows, days when I just don’t feel myself, days when I feel like giving up, days when I’m frustrated, and days when I look up at the sky and say “God, I don’t get this, but I know you got this.”
I discover foods along the way my body doesn’t like. For instance, if I start eating too many protein bars, progress goes out the window, and I won’t see any movement on the scale. Even if I eat the 0-gram sugar bars, it doesn’t seem to matter. My body doesn’t like the processed food at all. I made the mistake of accidentally buying the honey roasted peanut butter at Fresh Thyme instead of the plain (I wasn’t reading the label close enough), and my face broke out in all kinds of little red dots. This is usually the first sign that something I ate had sugar in it unbeknownst to me. Certain kinds of beans and fruits will do the same thing. I say this because I don’t have it all figured out, I’ve just managed to learn to narrow it down. It’s just one big game of trial and error, and if you’re smart enough to listen, then I feel there’s a good chance you can be successful. It’s gotten to the point where I will know within a few hours if something is going to fly or not, but overall the lessons learned always point me back to 100% clean eating. Venturing into anything processed or canned doesn’t lead to good results – at least not for me. This goes for drinks as well. No sodas, energy drinks, bottled juices, milk, etc. If I keep with straight up water or iced herbal tea, I get the best results.
The event I signed up for is fast approaching. I decided to lessen the amount of gym time this week so that I don’t go into the event sore. My goal is to finish with as many obstacles completed as possible. I will admit signing up for this event brought a little undue anxiety that I wasn’t prepared for, but I keep reminding myself why I’m doing it. I was scared about running by myself but to be honest, LOL….. I’m stronger than this. I’m sure when it’s all said and done I am going to be proud. That was the goal.
Mentally I’m good overall but there sure have been some rough days. Last night was one of them. Insecurities still find a way to creep in and Lord knows I fight them like two-headed sharks. I know where they come from; fear mainly. But also because I’ve never known a life without them. Moving forward trying to convince myself that I don’t need to carry them anymore has been a challenge, and it wasn’t until today that I realized why.
I went to a conference today at a local high school – I’ll explain another time but when my name got called, and I am slowly walking up to the front of this gymnasium full of high school athletes and athletic directors I could hear “shit, shit shit shit shit” in my head. People looking at me is something I need to get over. Just because people are watching doesn’t mean they’re thinking bad thoughts. This is a horrible habit that I need to let go of because the minute I realized there were over 125 smiling faces at me, that fear melted. In an instant, I realized that if this is going to be a permanent part of my future – I need to get out of my way. My insecurities aren’t necessarily something I can sit down and “work on.” My experience will change when my thinking shifts. I don’t need to work at this, but I can correct the thinking as it surfaces. The innate intelligence of our mind does this automatically when we get out of our own way. This is something I need to keep in mind in the days and months going forward because I received a taste of my future today and I’m not going back. It’s one step at a time in a new direction. How do I know it’s the right direction? It feels like it’s coming together holistically and it has good energy. It feels good, exciting, and I can’t think of anything else. Now I need to apply that to everything in my life and cut ANYTHING that doesn’t feel this exact same way…..Done deal.
Lovingly,
Bean
Always thinking one step ahead also.