Day 249. 159 pounds lost.

We live in a connected world, so naturally, I’m on social media quite often throughout the day. Yesterday as I am scrolling my wall on Facebook there was a post by Rugged Maniac Minnesota. I see these types of things often, but for whatever reason, I felt compelled to look into it.  It’s a 5k run (or in my case, walk or jog) through 40 different obstacles.

I sat here staring at the screen for over twenty minutes wondering why I was even interested; in fact, I already had plans to go to another event that day.  There’s an expected turnout of several thousand people; normally even seeing this I would have run the other way (or in my case, walk).  There is a voice that has been strong in my life that has been sitting on my shoulder since January, and I vowed I would start listening to the voice. It was telling me to sign up. My head and heart fight that voice sometimes and I will be honest, when I do it never ends well. I signed up, but I will admit I was terrified, even more so knowing there could be a chance I could do it alone.

To avoid fear, sometimes we mask it by building up little shields around us to prevent us from experiencing certain things.  But, I have learned the best way to release your fears is to shine a light on them, acknowledge their existence and figure out their root causes. Why am I terrified?

Like the State Fair, crowds in my past have always brought a level of anxiety. Going to the grocery store is one thing; having to face people giving me dirty looks.  But in crowds of people, you magnify that chance exponentially. I risk getting looks that say “what the hell are you doing here” without anyone saying a word. I try not to look for them anymore, but sometimes I still see them.  This event is not the safe gym that I go to where everyone is supportive. It’s like being tossed into the Wild Wild West.  I’m not doing a boot camp or Crossfit class in front of 20 people anymore. This is an event where there will most assuredly be thousands of spectators, and my experience tells me that the ones that are going to get looked at are the ones that don’t quite fit in with all the rest. I have to be okay with that.

That little voice on my shoulder was telling me that I needed to go because this is a fear I need to deal with. If am going to transform my life into this person I have seen in my visions for almost a year, then I have to be okay being out there in a crowd and do my thing regardless.

I won’t attempt any obstacles that are too difficult, and I have a keen understanding of what my body will or will not do. But I also have to challenge myself to the best version of me possible. How can I ever know that if I don’t EVER TRY ANYTHING? That voice has put me in some terribly uncomfortable situations these last few months but never in harm’s way. It’s molding me…. So as terrified as I am and even as my hands are shaking typing this very post – I am going.  Fear can be paralyzing. Damn you fear…..you won’t knock me down.

Lovingly,

Bean