Life has been silent the last six months; I have lived in a constant state of “waiting.” Putting my life on hold while I wait for surgery. Waiting for the next doctor’s appointment, waiting for the next weigh-in, and secretly fighting the process at every turn. I delayed appointments on purpose; consistently found reasons to delay.
It wasn’t until Christmas this year when I had lots quiet time to reflect on last year. If this something that I had wanted so badly, why wasn’t it done yet? I had completed all 20 required steps in the surgery approval process. I even had insurance approval to go forward at the beginning of December. What the hell was my problem?
In each of us, there is a little voice. It’s always there; whether we choose to listen or ignore. It’s the guide that lets us know we are making the right or wrong decision. That little voice had been screaming since May, and it took me six months to stop and listen to what it had to say. In times of desperation sometimes we just plunge forward without thinking of long term consequences.
On Christmas Eve I was overwhelmed with fears of the 3% who die. I couldn’t stop thinking about the 15% who end up developing complications. I kept watching video testimonials of the 40% who gain weight back, horrific surgeries to remove excess skin……. Something I can’t bear the thought of.
The surgery has a role in this world to help people who can’t do it themselves…. But was I one of them? Was I one of those people who simply couldn’t get it off…… or I just didn’t try hard enough. Sometimes the truth hurts. It cuts to the core. I was one of those people that just didn’t work hard enough. Being committed to something takes time – and generally, I would give up after 30 days. At least this was my M.O. I wasn’t committed to myself and unfortunately that wasn’t something the surgery was going to fix. Oh I said many times how much I wanted it, but I never really tried hard enough to see it through. Saying and doing are two completely different things and I have been the worst offender.
Surgery can’t fix emotional eating. Surgery can’t fix bad habits. You must correct these first or you join the pool of the 40% who gain it all back.
I was thirty days out from weight loss surgery, had insurance approval, and a green light, and I just walked away from it. I need to do this on my own. I promised myself that I would, and I need to hold myself to it. Long term success means that I need to learn to be successful. Surgery can’t teach me that.
I want a life I can be proud of. There is no easy way out of the mess I have created. It’s up to me to fix it.
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