Even If | Week 53 Weight Loss

Day 367. 190 pounds lost.

I owe some of you an apology because there is part of me that believes maybe I made last year look too simplistic. I had a few people reach out on the day of my one-year anniversary. One of them said, “God, I can’t even lose 25 pounds, how do you do it?”  or….  “Athena, you make this look easy“. 

Because I vowed that I would be authentic and truthful, I will say that last year was the hardest of my entire life. The nice pictures on Transformation Tuesdays never really told an accurate story. In fact, even the one year video never showed the hard days. The Gods honest truth of it all was there were more hard days than easy days.  Let me tell you about one of those bad days.

A week before Christmas I woke up one day feeling sorry for myself. I had jars filled with candy and treats ready to be delivered to my friends, and I ate one and a half of the gifts. Yep, you heard that right. Two of you didn’t get Christmas presents because I fuck#!ng ate them. Sorry about that.  I devoured chocolate pretzels and trail mix. I can assure you, this was not a good day.

There were days when I should have been working or going to the gym, and didn’t get off the sofa. I was too tired even to give two shits.  There were plenty of days where I slept 12 hours, 16 hours. My body literally shut down. This happened a lot.

There was a time when I sat in the gym parking lot at 8:00 pm at night after everyone had left. I sat there in my car crying and cursing wondering if I could keep going. Sometimes my legs hurt so bad I couldn’t walk. I was so tired from the constant travel I didn’t want to drive home. I just wanted to curl up in a ball and just sleep in my car.

There were so many messed up days I couldn’t even count them. Countless times when I felt I was at my limit. Where I wanted to tell the world to screw off.

Going forward, I’m going to make a point of documenting these days a little better because they are part of the journey.  A journey isn’t just seeing the wonderful – it’s about seeing the truth of it. This way, when you struggle, and you’re having a hard day, you’ll remember that we ALL have them.  You’re not alone even if days if feels this way.

All my love,

Bean