New Song

Day 1302. 225 lbs lost.

I get excited every time I turn on the radio, and I hear a song that screams to my soul.  I will play it over and over until it wears itself out, and by that time, I would find a new one.

Last Christmas, I was listening to my favorite station on Pandora and heard “Fighter” for the first time by Danny Gokey. It spoke to me at that very moment because the day prior, I was sitting in my car, bawling my eyes out, wondering if I would be able to pick up a barbell again. Then I heard these lyrics:

 Put my heart through the fire; I won’t be burned
It’s only making me stronger, even if it hurts
So I’ll do whatever it takes…

It reminded me that I had gone through worse times, and I made it out okay. So it became my anthem for the next few months. It was a tough time because I was struggling to get back to the life I knew in CrossFit all the while, trying to finish my book so I could pass it to my editor.

The book ended up becoming one of the toughest things to accomplish that I have ever done. I thought every single wound had healed, but I spent many days typing away on my keyboard, struggling to keep a clear view on my screen because I couldn’t see past the water in my eyes.  Many times I got so tired I would fall asleep in my chair with my hands in the typing position. It got so bad I had to temporarily wear these special braces on my hands because they had gotten so stiff.  Determination to finish something can almost make you crazy. I’m almost embarrassed to admit how many pots of coffee a day I was drinking.  My daily positive affirmations I would say to myself in the mirror every morning started sounding like this: “Athena… are you going to finish this shit or what?” Then I would roll my eyes, and walk out.  Every time I started doubting myself (which I did daily), I’d feel that proverbial push on my backside and back to typing I’d go.

*   *   *

Around April, I suffered from a bit of anxiety to a point I almost backed out of publishing. I don’t know if it was because I was frightened about letting people into parts of my story that were untold. Or maybe it was feeling “that” naked. It was probably both. I was sitting in my favorite chair talking to God one morning, and I told him that I couldn’t publish the book. I told him I felt like it was a big waste of time because inadvertently, I thought I would let him down.  Later that afternoon, I heard a song called “Wasted Time” by Unspoken:

You’re the God who makes up for wasted time
You’re the One who makes straight the crooked lines
Every promise broken
Seconds that were stolen
Years that have slipped on by
You’re the God who makes up for wasted time

I smiled when I heard it because once again, it’s always the right song at the right time. I didn’t know all the reasons, but I knew getting it finished was something I was supposed to do. So I listened.

*   *   *

Earlier today, I was sitting out in the garage, looking around at this CrossFit box I started. I wasn’t excited; I was frustrated. I was looking at wires hanging down from the ceiling from some jimmy-rigged electrical installation years ago. I was looking at the alien-like creature of ductwork that freaks me out every time it gets dark out there, wondering what the former homeowners thought when they threw this ducting up in the garage wrapped with tape and garbage bags. I thought about all the exterior walls that didn’t have insulation, the window that had to be replaced that was leaking because it wasn’t installed in the frame properly. I let out a huge sigh wondering what I had gotten myself into?

“God… I don’t know, man… I’m listening, but this is a royal pain in the butt”! I muttered my prayer, took a sip of my coffee, and hit the power button on my little music player.

A song came on.

I hadn’t heard it before, but as it took me through the verses, my look of frustration turned to smiles and then laughs. My eyes fixed on a shelf next to the door.

“I’m going to hang some T-shirts on that shelf,” I proclaimed. “And the sizes hanging on that rack are going to be XL,  2X, 3X, and 4X”!

This box… is gonna be special. I know it. Because I have a new song.  And.. He’s going to see me through song…